How to Negotiate in Separation & Divorce

Resolve your settlement goals before deciding to divorce.

Recognizing the reality of a broken marriage is never easy. When both sides dig in over the division of money and property, the emotional damage may only be compounded. However, couples can still find ways of bridging the gap by learning some basic negotiating principles. This begins with the idea that success doesn't come from overpowering the other person, allowing couples to leave each other with mutual respect.

Instructions

Discuss a Separation Agreement

1. Discuss the merits of a trial separation, if feasible. This route helps couples gain breathing space while they choose to live apart, before making any final decisions. Just realize that all assets are still legally considered joint property until any divorce becomes final.

2. Discuss a separation agreement that can serve as a blueprint for dividing assets and liabilities, and the handling of support and maintenance issues. Although less commonly seen than divorce settlements, separation agreements can help couples visualize each other's goals on paper before the marriage ends.

3. Visit legal websites to obtain sample agreements that can serve as a starting point for talks with your respective attorneys. This will depend on your own circumstances--such as a short-term marriage that produced no children, which is considered the best scenario for any separation agreement.

Keep a Level Head

1. 

   Bargaining your future with an ex-spouse is no picnic.

   Meet with your attorney if a divorce seems likely. Make sure that you agree on the points to present to your spouse. As your attorney will probably inform you, finding the middle ground between acceptable and affordable goals is the chief stumbling block in any settlement.

2. Request a quiet, comfortable place for the settlement discussions, and get a written agenda from your attorney beforehand. Bring all relevant financial records, including bank statements, check stubs and tax returns. Expect to take plenty of notes as the discussions unfold.

3. Avoid making ultimatums that require immediate action, and--although easier said than done--keep a level head. No matter how you feel emotionally, demonizing the other person is hardly a useful option, because you'll likely be doing custodial and financial business together for some time. Accepting this reality now saves numerous problems later.

4. Raise financial points that affect your well-being in a firm but nonconfrontational manner. Ask whether your support payments can be indexed to the inflation rate, since your income will drop in the short run, but your bills will keep going up. If your spouse owns a business, have it appraised, so you don't end up short-changed.

Don't Rehash Previous Points

1. Cross off each point on your legal pad as you reach agreement, but resist the temptation to rehash them. Otherwise, your settlement talks may bog down and lose focus. The bargaining table should be reserved for unresolved issues.

2. Stay in the first person when you address each other, and be prepared to brainstorm for ideas that can break an impasse over an important point. Avoid attacking the other person if he refuses to negotiate a point. Instead, ask open-ended questions to determine what lies behind the reasoning.

3. Ask about items that may not appear immediately on financial statements, including stock options and defined benefit pension plans, which pay out a lifetime income after some predetermined age. These assets may be worth substantial sums in the long run, and you may be entitled to share the windfall.

4. Focus on the problem, not the person, to lower the risk of confrontation. If the meeting turns nasty, call a time out to let the emotions cool down. When you return, have your attorneys summarize the relevant points--which is where your case files will come in handy. Any new information that emerges can serve as a springboard for further discussion.

Tips & Warnings

• Find out what type of health insurance coverage will be available after your divorce. Whether a spouse's plan is self-insured or not has a major impact on your coverage's cost and duration.

• Before the divorce is finalized, try to establish some credit in your own name if you do not currently have any. Waiting until after your divorce may make your position more precarious.

• Keep alcohol and other any drugs away from the negotiating table. Although the temptation may prove hard to resist, this is not the time to medicate yourself.

• Never feel rushed into any final decisions, even if it's something that your attorney recommends. Take time for reflection, which can be used as the basis for another meeting.

References

• Divorce Magazine: The Art of Negotiation
• Find Law: Sample Separation Agreement
• McCusker: Sixteen Points to Consider When Negotiating Your Own Divorce

Resources

• Woman's Divorce: Divorce Settlement Negotiation Strategies
• Divorce Support: Negotiating Your Divorce With Good Tactics
• Divorce Net: The Basics of Negotiations