How to Come to Terms with an Extramarital Affair

There are few things in life more devastating than discovering your husband is having an affair. You immediately feel shock, anger, shame (what's wrong with ME!) and despair. Use the strategies below to help you cope and decide your future.

Instructions

1. If your husband is not home when you discover the affair, take a deep breath and do something to help yourself calm down. Your brain and emotions will be in turmoil. You will be experiencing emotional overload, but do your best to get your emotions under control before you confront your husband.

2. Talk to your husband as calmly as possible. Screaming and throwing things may make you feel momentarily better but will not help you move forward. Express yourself, listen to him and discuss what you both want for the future. Is he asking for forgiveness? Does he want a divorce? What about the kids?

3. If he wants to stay together, take the time you need to decide what is best for you. You may want to talk this over with friends but if you do, remember you are deciding what to do with YOUR life so you control the decision. Your friends may say to dump the jerk but only you can decide if the relationship is really over or if you want to try to find a way to build a future with your husband.

4. If you decide to stay with him, discuss the expectations for the future with your husband. You're not going to snap your fingers and all is forgotten and forgiven. It will take years to rebuild trust. Ask him to go to a marriage counselor with you. If he is unwilling, that will give you a quick answer about how vested he is in a future with you. However, if he is willing, there may be hope. Be sure he understands that trust is in the distant future and you are going for an uneasy truce at this point.

5. If you decide to divorce, take steps to ensure your financial future. Do not move out of the house -- tell him to move. If there are no kids involved and you can keep the divorce amicable, you will save a lot of money. Consult with a divorce attorney about alimony and your rights. Unless your husband is going to get ugly about the split, don't retain the attorney, the one consultation may be all you need. Look for divorce services online or get a book and do it yourself.

6. If your husband plans to fight or you have kids, you will most likely need a good divorce attorney. Find out all costs up front and find an attorney you trust. Talk to friends who have been through this for recommendations.

7. Move on with your life and don't look back. If you are staying together, start anew and don't throw the infidelity in his face during future arguments. If you decide to split up, don't badmouth your husband to your kids, he's still their dad. The more positive your outlook, the happier you will be.