How to Address a Sympathy Card to a Wife of the Deceased
No one is fully prepared for the passing of a spouse. The mourning period is a time for the wife of the deceased to reflect upon her relationship with her husband so that she can cope with his loss and eventually heal. Therefore, it is important to recognize that the deceased is still her husband. Allow the widow to choose how to move on in her own time. When addressing a sympathy card to the wife of the deceased, do not refer to her by her maiden name unless she has already explicitly done so herself.
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Instructions
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According to the Emily Post Institute, the traditional form of address consists of the first and last name of the widow's husband. For example, the widow of "Ryan Thomas" should be addressed as "Mrs. Ryan Thomas."
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If the couple hyphenated their last name, such as "Thomas-Smith," honor this decision and address her as "Mrs. Ryan Thomas-Smith."
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If you are well acquainted with the widow and know for a fact that her preference is to use her own first name instead of her husband's, it is acceptable to do so, e.g. "Mrs. Karen Thomas" (or "Mrs. Karen Thomas-Smith" in the case of hyphenation).
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If the widow did not change her name at all after marriage, do not force a name change simply to observe tradition. Respect her decision to keep her maiden name and address her as "Mrs. Karen Smith."
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When speaking to the widow face-to-face, consider how well you know her. If you are on a first-name basis, it is fine to call her by her first name. According to psychiatrists Glenn Brynes and Carol Watkins, people grieve "individually and as a group." Reminders of close connections to living loved ones are part of the mourning process. If you are already close to the widow, remain that way, but still approach her in an understated and respectful fashion.
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If you are not close and are not aware of the widow's preference, use her husband's last name when speaking to her directly: "Mrs. Thomas." Observe the tradition rather than trying to second-guess her disposition.
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Tips & Warnings
Also send a note to the family member or friend with whom you are the closest. This note can be less formal.
Although the funeral and other bereavement ceremonies are opportunities for friends and family members to express their feelings about the deceased, they exist primarily for the widow's benefit. When in doubt about how to behave at these times, always consider what will most help her healing process.
