How to Avoid Mother-in-Law Problems
Mother-in-law problems are a classic issue in family dynamics. Both you and your mother-in-law have a common need for respect, appreciation and connectedness, but how do you make that happen? You are from different families, and now need to become one. It can be a challenge to set boundaries and maintain appropriate personal power in the relationship. Do what you can to get along, if for nothing other than to keep the peace between you and your spouse.
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Instructions
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Know your spouse. Talk to your spouse about how you want your life to be together. When it comes to family traditions and practices, children and home, make sure your spouse thoroughly understands the way you want things to be, and your reasons. Listen to your spouse's ideas too. Make sure you know what is most important to your spouse and what he or she values. This way, you are ready to make the important decisions about your life together with your spouse and children. Now, you have a solid front that makes you more prepared to deal with your mother-in-law.
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Say yes when the opportunity presents itself. Find common ground. Embrace the things you and mother-in-law have in common. Include her in things, so she feels she's connected with your family. Listen to your mother-in-law's ideas with an open mind. Listen carefully and actively, and repeat back her ideas in different words, to make sure you've understood. Ask her to clarify as needed. This way, she feels validated and important. Appreciate her experience and point of view. Take any advice that sounds good and helpful. Ignore any advice that you don't like.
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Say no when necessary. Be assertive. Once you and your spouse are clear about what you want, calmly and politely thank your mother-in-law for her ideas, and clearly say no when needed. It is not only your mother-in-law's responsibility to create a balance of influence in this relationship. It is your responsibility too. You and your spouse need to back each other up. A united front of husband and wife makes for a strong marriage and family.
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Be polite and respectful. Honor the wisdom and personal strengths of your mother-in-law. Thank her for her help. Send thank-you notes and birthday cards. Plan ahead for a thoughtful Mother's Day gesture for her. When in doubt, remain respectful.
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Tips & Warnings
If you are upset or irritated by your mother-in-law's actions, remain polite. If things get emotional and heated, remember to take a time-out and resist the urge to be rude. You can't take back words once you've said them.
Consider going to counseling with your spouse first. A lot of mother-in-law problems actually reflect a problem with the way you and your significant other are interacting. Be proactive, and do this sooner rather than later. Through counseling, you can gain excellent perspective on your situation and can learn tools to navigate a positive relationship together.
Don't vent to everyone about how horrible your mother-in-law is. That kind of selfish immaturity is harmful gossip that can destroy both your reputations. Instead, have courage and be proactive in dealing with her.
References
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