How to Stop a Manipulative Child in Day Care
Children, like adults, learn to manipulate their environment in order to satisfy their immediate desires or needs. Manipulation often takes on a negative connotation, and with good reason, since it often leads to imbalanced social interaction and a pattern of unwanted behavior. On the other hand, important life lessons such as problem solving and understanding consequences are directly related to manipulation skills. As a caregiver, you teach children to solve problems through strategy. For instance, you may distract a child with an interesting toy or puzzle in order to end conflict between two children over another toy. Children are fast learners and will repeat behaviors that work to their benefit. When manipulation becomes a social or behavioral problem, resist the tendency to label the child and instead take positive steps to help the child apply her skills in proper ways.
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Instructions
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Try and understand the motivation behind a manipulative child's behavior. A child will attempt to control her environment for several reasons. She may want to satisfy her need for attention, be reacting to another child's hurtful actions or simply need to solve a problem.
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Evaluate each individual situation involving the child in question before jumping to conclusions. When conflict arises between two children, or you see aggressive behavior from a child, look at the conflict from every angle. If the children involved are old enough, ask them questions individually. Avoid leading questions like "Did Jack take the car away from you?" and ask each child instead to explain what happened, how he feels right now and how he thinks his friend feels right now. Ultimately, you need to clearly understand what has happened, and you need to help the children understand their own feelings and recognize that friends have similar feelings.
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Provide a clear definition of appropriate behavior. When a child uses manipulation in aggressive ways, she is expanding upon problem-solving skills learned from adults. Model acceptable ways for her to accomplish her goals. If a child disrupts the play of other children by forcing herself in and taking over block play, for example, show her an alternative strategy that demonstrates respect for her friends. Remind her to use her words. Questions like "May I play with you?" or "May I have a turn when you're finished?" remove the control factor and encourage social connections. If the child is refused a turn when using this strategy, and this will happen, offer to set a timer to ensure the child that her patience will be rewarded.
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Move the child to a private area if his manipulation becomes aggressive and he is unreceptive to your advice. Let him know that he can return to group play when he has calmed down. It takes time to help a child learn the proper way to interact with others, so he may initially rebel against your intervention. Expect him to express his unhappiness while he is in his cool-down area. Venting does not constitute a problem unless it becomes violent or interferes with the relaxed play and learning environment of other children. Although it will be tempting to address the child immediately, wait until he is calm so that he will be receptive to your input. Help him find ways to appreciate the need for all the children in your day care to enjoy themselves.
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Be consistent in the way you handle inappropriate manipulation. According to Cindy Kelly of Auburn University's Family Child Care Partnerships, even younger children recognize and remember the point at which adults give in. If you allow a behavior once, even if you've refused to do so 10 other times, the child knows the potential is there, and will behave accordingly.
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Recognize appropriate behavior in the aggressive child, as well as in other children in the environment. At every opportunity, make an effort to verbally acknowledge appropriate problem-solving strategies and social interactions. Shy away from general praise, says Kelly, and instead focus on specific accomplishments. For instance, when a child asks another for a turn or invites a friend to work with him on a puzzle, you might say, "I like that you've used kind words and remembered your friend's feelings." Problem-solving skills are important, and you want to encourage the appropriate application of those skills.
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