How to Overcome Fear From an Abusive Relationship
Recovering in the aftermath of an abusive relationship can be challenging, particularly in terms of learning how not to be afraid anymore. You may experience fears about letting others become close again, especially when it comes to romantic relationships or about being alone forever. Fear is a common response to having survived a traumatic experience such as an abusive relationship, but there are ways to move beyond it and learn to be free and confident once more.
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Instructions
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Recognize your own courage. As someone who has left an abusive relationship, you have already taken one of the biggest steps toward mastering your fear. You may not be feeling too brave at times as you adjust to life after abuse, but acting despite your fear shows resilience.
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Surround yourself with support. Friends, family, and others who encourage, value, and nurture you represent healthy relationships that are free of fear. Consider joining a support group for survivors of domestic violence---you will not only find support, but your fears and challenges will be shared by others, helping you feel less alone and isolated. Contact your community mental health center to get help in finding one.
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Seek help from a mental health professional. Counselors can help you explore your fears and issues in the context of a safe, healthy, productive relationship. A good counselor will also work with you to develop a plan for integrating what you learn into your everyday life, especially your relationships. Should you decide to seek a counselor's assistance, ask what experience she has in treating abuse survivors and how she might approach your case.
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Give yourself the gift of time. Recovering from the emotional damage of abuse is not an overnight process, and expecting yourself to heal too quickly will only compound the problem. Part of respecting and valuing yourself as a person involves patience, understanding, and esteem, rather than judgment, intolerance, and criticism. Remember, this is an ongoing process, not a static goal.
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Celebrate milestones and successes. No matter how small, any step you take toward connecting with trustworthy others or conquering your fear needs to be acknowledged. Reward yourself by relaxing with a good book in a bath full of bubbles, enroll in that art class you always longed to be in, or splurge on a small gift to yourself. Find some way to mark your progress that is meaningful to you, whether a list, a picture or a chart, and refer back to it when you find yourself struggling with new challenges---this will help you remember how far you have already come and that you are capable of handling what you are now facing.
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Affirm yourself. Self-affirmations can help you develop greater self-esteem, confidence, and belief in your ability to live fear-free. Statements, such as "I trust myself," "I deserve love and respect," and "I am living without fear," can be written on index cards and repeated daily to foster your progress. Make these sentences short, positive and achievable. Take your cards with you, and when you feel afraid or insecure, refer back to them.
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Tips & Warnings
Catch yourself when you are telling yourself negative or critical things, and substitute one of your affirmations--for example, replace "I am ugly and no one will ever love me" with "I am a beautiful, courageous person who is worthy of love and respect."
For additional reading, see "Healing the Trauma of Abuse: A Woman's Workbook" by Mary Ellen Copeland and Maxine Harris (2000) and "Your Surviving Spirit: A Spiritual Workbook for Coping with Trauma" by Dusty Miller (2003).
If you are in an abusive relationship and need help, call 911 if you are in immediate danger, or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799'SAFE(7233) or TTY (800) 787'3224 for help with crisis intervention, safety planning, referrals, and information.
