How to Help a Spouse Overcome a Fear of Intimacy
Fear of intimacy can have root causes as unique as your partner. Unsuccessful past relationships, low self-esteem, lack of experience, feeling trapped and poor communication skills can all create a fear of intimacy. You might be able to help, but if there are complicated issues, such as abuse, addiction and depression, therapy is essential.
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Instructions
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Help a Spouse Overcome Intimacy Issues
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The most common barrier to intimacy between spouses is poor communication. The cycle starts with misunderstanding, disillusionment and resentment, and it culminates in a further breakdown of communication. Ask for clarification if you're uncertain what your spouse is upset about. Try to work on miscommunication the moment it happens. You might forget about it and move on, leaving your spouse simmering in resentment because you didn't consider the issue important enough to deal with immediately.
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"Our partner, lover or mate can know us to our very core, sometimes better than we know ourselves, and that can make any of us feel totally exposed," Dr. Barton Goldsmith wrote in Psychology Today. Your partner might be afraid to reach for an intimate level of trust because of past failed relationships. Support your spouse when he or she speaks about the past, and encourage him or her to move forward and build more trust in you. Gently remind your spouse that you are a different person than the one who broke his or her heart.
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Poor self-esteem can stymie intimacy. A partner who feels that he is not as accomplished or good-looking as you might feel unworthy and shy away from intimacy. Try to do things that he is good at, and compliment that skill. Let him know every time you find yourself thinking how handsome he looks, and follow that compliment with a hug or kiss if appropriate.
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Does your spouse want time away from you? If you deny it, you could be smothering your spouse and making him or her feel trapped. "The evidence suggests that there is a limit to the amount of closeness people can tolerate and that we need time alone for productivity and creativity," Geraldine Piorkowski wrote in Psychology Today. Be sensitive: Even though you might not have reached your "togetherness limit," your spouse might have.
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Lack of experience might cause your spouse to fear intimacy. Go slow and easy, and allow your partner to feel comfortable at one level before moving to the next. Encourage your spouse to "take the lead." Do not to criticize--that dampen confidence and willingness to explore further.
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Tips & Warnings
Working individually and as a couple with a counselor or therapist can benefit both partners.
If you are concerned about the mental health of your spouse, seek professional guidance.
