How to : Keep Bread FRESH - Longer (no soggy stuff)

There it is in all it's glory, a loaf of bread. I've always wanted to bake bread. Nothing smells better than a place baking bread in some ovens. The smell is orgasmic.
(oops) Anyway, we have a small store here in town called: The House of Bread. They bake their own; even put free pieces out to taste. I asked the owner about the trick to keeping bread fresh not soggy. She smiled like it was her personal secret, but, after buying two loaves, she parted with the advice.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

1. I cringe when I have to spend $4 bucks or more for a lousy loaf of bread, and before it can be eaten, it's either soggy or hard enough to play frisbee with the slices. I feed mine to the ducks. The House of Bread lady told me to take the bread out of it's store package, put the slices in a plastic bag, then toss in a big slice of fresh celery. Sounds crazy, but then, older people seem to know things many of us only dream about.

2. 
   See these little potato guys....?

   If you buy day-old bread on sale or want to stock-up with much more, and stash it in the freezer for later use, just stick a large paper towel in each package. The paper towel will absorb the moisture. When it's time to defrost the bread, it won't be soggy or soft...just perfect.
   See the happy, little potato guys? They're smiling because they know you've wised-up on how to bake them fast and easy. Just buy some medium size spuds, place them on end (not flat) in a muffin pan, cook in the oven about half the time it used to take you. They don't mind standing up. No microwaving. I hate microwaved potatoes.

3. 
   Don't forget to CHANGE PLATES....(common sense)

   On the subject of meat, we had our usual Saturday BBQ feast at my brother-in-law's house in Pismo Beach. He's cheap and never buys the best cuts of meat to grill. While he and I were sipping an adult beverage in the kitchen, I noticed he had some green things lying on top of the steaks. They were KIWI fruit slices. Little did I know those cute, little greenies can tenderize meat in a jiffy- making tough cuts of meat much better. I looked it up. KIWI's contain an enzyme called actinidin. Really!

Tips & Warnings

• While I'm on the subject of meat, here is something I see a lot, and it really gripes my butt. Raw seasoned hamburgers on a plate taken out to the grill, cooked, then brought back to eat on the same plate that held the raw pieces. WELCOME to the wonderful world of BACTERIA and possible sickness. Same goes for the knife and fork you used.