How to Present Problems & Goal Setting in Family Therapy
When a family has problems, emotions run high. But if you're going to family therapy, you probably understand by now that this kind of emotional behavior only makes things worse. What therapists do is help people to stand apart from their emotions, to understand what those emotions are and where they are coming from.
When you sign up for family therapy, you don't have to do anything else to prepare other than set up the appointment. However, if your nerves are high, or if your emotional problems are complicated, you might get more out of your therapy session if you write down your problems ahead of time.
Other People Are Reading
Instructions
-
The Day Before the Therapy Session
-
1
Sit down by yourself for a few minutes on the day before the first therapy session. Try to create the same tranquil atmosphere that your family therapist will provide tomorrow. Find someplace quiet, where there won't be many distractions. Don't work on anything else. This is introspection time.
-
2
Let your thoughts wander freely. Think about whatever you want. Do this for about five minutes, or, if you lose track of time and go longer, do it until you snap back into reality. During this time, you may become more relaxed, or more tense, or you might simply get bored. If you get tense or bored, remember that a little momentary discomfort in the name of a happier family can be a good thing. Let your thoughts wander. The purpose of doing this is to give your body a chance to calm down and your mind a chance to turn inward on itself. You don't have to remember anything you think about here, although you can if you want to. It doesn't matter.
-
-
3
Write down a paragraph about why you think your family is going to therapy. Then, below that, make a bullet list of the specific problems that your family is having, as they occur to you. The goal is that, if someone were to ask you why your family is going to therapy, you would be able to simply read this document to them, and that would cover it.
-
4
Write down a list of your ambitions on a second piece of paper. These are the things that both are important to you and require action or pursuit on your part. Separate them into three smaller lists, consisting of your biggest dreams, your personal desires and your day-to-day goals. Write them all down, everything from "I want to own the moon" to "I want my spouse to ask me how my day was" to "I wish we would buy the kind of coffee I like." Take your time. A little time spent in the name of a happier family can be a good thing. If it seems strange to be thinking about your ambitions, remember that a troubled family comes from troubled individuals, and troubled individuals get that way when they are frustrated in their ambitions.
-
5
Highlight the ambitions on your list that are currently being frustrated due to family problems. The more frustrated ambitions that each of you has, the worse your family's problems are likely to be.
-
6
Using a different-colored highlighter, highlight the ambitions on your list that are currently being frustrated due to non-family problems---including personal problems of your own that don't relate to the rest of the family. These items are especially important because they represent potential areas where you are causing problems for the family entirely on your own.
-
7
On a third piece of paper, write down a list of solutions for your frustrated ambitions that are due to family problems. Specifically, write down what each relevant family member (including you) would have to do for your ambition to no longer be frustrated. When it comes to change-in-behavior suggestions for your children, be simple and generous about it. Kids are not born with a chip on their shoulder, and if they have one now, it must be extremely frustrating for them because they haven't yet gotten the life experience to know how to deal with it properly.
-
8
On a fourth piece of paper, write down a similar list of solutions for the frustrated ambitions that are due to non-family problems. Focus on what you would have to do for your ambition to no longer be frustrated.
-
9
Put an asterisk next to any ambitions that can't be salvaged simply by you or your family changing their behaviors. For example, if any of your ambitions are frustrated due to money problems, a shortage of time, ill health etc., those are problems outside you or your family's immediate power to change.
-
10
Collect your four documents. When you go to family therapy tomorrow, you'll have these four documents with you. The first one is "Your Family's Problems." The second one is "Your Ambitions." The third one is "Suggestions for the Family." The fourth one is "Personal Contributions I Can Make." By writing down your problems in the context of your frustrated ambitions, you will be better suited to think about actionable goals once you are in therapy.
-
11
Don't share these documents with anyone else right now. Instead, invite your other family members to undertake this process for themselves. The more of you who do this, the better. If your kids want to do it, have them do it alone. Don't assist them, and don't let them assist one another. If any of your children are too young to participate in the exercise, don't worry about it.
At the Therapy Session
-
12
Bring your four lists to the session. Have your other family members bring theirs if they made lists of their own.
-
13
Be respectful during the session, and do not interrupt other family members or the therapist when they are speaking unless the therapist advises you otherwise.
-
14
Listen to everything that your other family members say. Don't get angry or defensive. You're in family therapy, and this is no place to have an ego tantrum. Everybody in your family, including you, needs to feel that this is a safe environment to speak his or her mind. Everybody in the room needs to be taken seriously. Promise yourself that, whatever your other family members might say, you won't hold it against them.
-
15
Have some paper with you to take notes, and jot down in shorthand whenever you have a strong emotional reaction to something that someone else says. Write down what was said and your resulting emotion.
-
16
Inform the therapist when it's your turn to talk that last night you spent some time thinking about your problems and frustrations, and some possible solutions, and that you wrote down these four lists. If the therapist agrees they would be useful, these lists should be read aloud in the session under the therapist's direction. It may be very eye-opening to hear your other family members read from their lists. You may be clued in to problems you never knew were there.
-
17
Use these lists to build communication and set expectations between you and your family. You will each have your own perspective---your own lists. Each one of you has a valid point of view. And each one of you must play your own part in the healing process. None of you can be responsible for holding the entire family together. The best you can do is hold yourself together and be receptive to the ambitions and frustrations of your family members.
-
1
Tips & Warnings
Always remember to respect yourself. Sometimes, when a family is hurting, it can be easy to forget your own worth as a person. Don't cheat yourself. Therapy is not a zero-sum game. You don't have to be the one making all the compromises. Draw a few lines in the sand for yourself.
If you are not good at writing, or are a very extroverted person, give yourself two or three days before the first therapy session to write down your documents.
