How to Help Children Deal With the Death of a Close Loved One
Coming to terms with death is painful and complicated---at best---for adults. It is even more trying for children, who don't understand the permanence of death or know how to process the stress and pain of the loss. It is crucial that parents, caregivers, teachers and other loving adults teach children to grieve in healthy ways as they learn to accept and deal with the death of a close loved one.
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Instructions
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Death is Sad but Inevitable
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Be honest and direct when telling the child a loved one has died. Don't use euphemisms for death---they will only confuse the child. Keep the conversation calm, comforting and as explicit as possible without overwhelming the child. Only answer what he or she asks, taking the child's age and maturity into consideration.
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Ask the child what she or he knows about about death to discern the level of understanding. The child may grasp more or less than average, and shock may play a role in early reluctance to talk about it, so be patient. As time progresses, you can fill the knowledge gaps.
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Educate yourself. Talk to your child's teacher or school counselor about the best ways to help the child grieve. If the child seems to need more aggressive outlets to express grief and anger, take recommendations and enlist the services of a licensed therapist who specializes in helping children cope with the death of a loved one.
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Be available to listen as the child wades through the stages of grief. Give him or her many opportunities to express feelings of sadness and anger, and validate those feelings as often as possible. Grieving is a long, unpredictable process, especially for children who not only grieve for the person, but also the comfort and security that came from having that person in the child's life.
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Encourage physical and artistic activities. Aerobic activities such as running and playing with friends will boost endorphins and give the child a reprieve from heavy feelings he or she may be overwhelmed by without realizing it. Expressing emotions through art and music can act as therapy for the child. He or she may not have words for every feeling, but a simple picture of the person or of happier days may provide a window into what the child is thinking.
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Tips & Warnings
As much as possible, keep control of your own emotions and seek help if you are struggling to cope. If you also have been affected by the death, do not discuss the depth of your grief with the child. But that's not to say you shouldn't show emotion; in fact, crying quietly with the child is a powerful example that expressing sadness and sharing grief is acceptable. As long as there is reassurance that the child will be OK and that the other adults in his or her life are going to provide stability, it is helpful to model healthy grieving.
Some of the key signs to watch for in children grieving death are inability to sleep, loss of appetite, aggression, tantrums, fear (of the dark, of being alone), physical pains (stomachache, headache), and loss of interest in usual activities. If you notice any disconcerting responses, don't hesitate to contact the child's doctor and ask for help.
