How to Make Alanon Amends

Oh, no! This is the part of Alanon that you have been dreading. You know that in your hurt, anger and frustration with the alcoholic, you have caused pain and frustration for other people. You feel somewhat justified. After all, you would have never acted the way you did in the past, if it hadn't been for the unpardonable behavior of the alcoholic in your life! In all honesty, that is probably true. However, that does not let you off the hook. You still need to straighten things out between you and the people you have harmed, if you ever hope to move forward and make some progress in your life. It may make you uncomfortable, but you also know that it must be done. So what can we do to make your amends as graciously as possible?

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

1. The 12 Steps of Alanon and Alcoholics Anonymous take you slowly through the process of facing your shortcomings. In Step 4, you made a fearless moral inventory of yourself. You should have found many character traits to be proud of. But, you also will have found a few areas in your life that need improvement.

2. After completing Step 4, the 5th, 6th and 7th Steps had you admit your shortcomings and ask God to remove them. In order for you to feel that you have really begun to change, however, you must take the next steps, as well.

3. In the 8th Step of Alanon and Alcoholics Anonymous, you make a list of everyone that you have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them. So, who have you harmed? First, there have certainly been times that you have retaliated in anger against the alcoholic. In addition, have you taken your frustration with the alcoholic out on other people such as your children, siblings, or other family members? Have you treated people rudely and with cruelty, because of your own hurt? Make a list of all these people.

4. When you have completed the list of everyone you can think of that you mistreated because of your anger with the alcoholic, add one more person to your list ... yourself! Yes, you have let your anger, resentment and frustration cause you great physical and emotional harm, and you need to make an amends to yourself.

5. Now that you have completed your 8th Step, by making your list, you are ready for the 9th Step, in which you make amends to these people, if possible, as long as your amends cause no additional harm. What kind of harm could an amends possibly do? Well, for example, if you had an affair because you wanted to punish your spouse for their drinking, no good will come from going around apologizing to everyone about it. Instead, stop the affair, and promise yourself that you will never do such a thing again. This is how you can make an amends, without hurting other people. Don't use your amends to create unneccesary pain and problems.

6. If your primary difficulty in the past has been behaving in an angry, mean way towards others, your amends should come in two parts. First, apologize directly to the people you have hurt. Second, vow to change your behavior. Whenever you slip, and hurt someone again, be quick to apologize.

7. What if you have harmed someone that you can no longer make a direct amends to ... because they have died or moved away, and you no longer are able to contact them? Make your amends by changing your future behavior. Begin a new life in which you attempt to avoid feeling regret for missed opportunities to share words of kindness. This new life will make you feel so much happier! And, of course, this is one way that you begin to make amends to yourself!

8. You have made your Alanon amends, and started on a new path! Continue working your Alanon steps, and feel secure that you will never have a long list of apologies to make in the future!

Tips & Warnings

• Working the 12 Steps of Alanon will change your relationship with other people.
• Make a list of people you have hurt, and contact them whenever you can to apologize
• Change the way you treat people in the future.
• Warning: You can only control your behavior, not someone else's. Just because you have apologized, does not mean that they will accept it. That is OK. As we say in Alanon, at least you have cleaned up your side of the street!

[emmysgreetings]

on 11/11/2009 Excellent article on...How to Make Alanon Amends! 5*s

[janiek13]

on 11/8/2009 Good article!