How to go crazy at Fantasy Fest and live to tell about it

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By missnye
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makeshift bikini

Fantasy Fest is a fun, if not carnal, celebration thet takes place in Key West, Florida every October 30th. It is an event where grownups are free to wildly and freely frolic in the streets in the only truly tropical city in America. This guide offers you tips on enjoying Fantasy Fest and making it home, unscathed, yet never to be the same.

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

A BABYSITTER! Do NOT bring small children to this festival!

Step 1

Plan your trip well in advance. If you have never been to Key West, read up on the place. Make some notes of places you would like to see. Reserve your hotel room early. Hotels fill up early around Fantasy Fest. Resist the urge to save a few bucks by staying up on Big Pine Key. Stay on Key West. That way you won't have as far to crawl after a night of rigorous drinking! If you have the presence of mind to catch a cab, you won't have more than a 5 mile ride, no matter where you are staying on the island!
Step 2

Sloppy Joe's

Show up a couple days before the festival to scope the place out. As soon as you get settled in, figure out where you are. You can either take a ride on the Conch Tour Train, or, as I prefer, take the elevator to the top of La Concha. Don't miss the spectactacular 360 degree view from the observatory. While you are on your walkabout, stop to pet the six-toed kitties at Ernest Hemmingway's house. Get some chocolate milk at Fausto's. Buy a t-shirt at Sloppy Joe's. Get yourself a pair of Kino's and head down to Mallory Pier for a mojito, steel drum music, and a fabulous sunset. While you are somewhat sober, try to make note of the places you want to take the kids, ON YOUR NEXT VISIT!
Step 3

Get some lunch. Mahi Mahi tacos and a Yueng Ling are good choices. Make sure you are rested and well hydrated. Go back to the hotel.
Step 4

Get ready for the parade. Cool off in the hotel room and get dressed (or undressed) for the evening's festivities. Forgot your costume? No worries. Dozens of body painters await on Duval street to "dress" you.
Step 5

Head down to Duval street to the parade. Gawk unto others as you wish others to gawk unto you. Sing. Dance. Entice the float riders to throw beads. Become Key West's newest tourist attraction. Admire the stilletoed 7 foot tall glamazon transvestites, but be extra nice. They will spank you with a quickness in front of God and everybody if you even THINK about misbehaving. Have a blast that you will remember forever...(or not).