How to Love at the End of Life
The end of life can seem to be full of harrowing decisions, ceaseless grief and bewildered exhaustion. To the one whose life is ending and to ones who are saying goodbye, all details of dying fade compared with finding ways to express love. In many ways, explaining how to love at the end of life is like trying to teach how to breathe during life. Breath comes and goes in regulated patterns. Love does the same.
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Instructions
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Engage in four conversations to help knock down barriers that can seem so important in life and become irrelevant as death approaches.
Dr. Ira Byock, author of "The Four Things That Matter Most: A Book About Living," crystallizes four ways that clear the path to love between the dying and the grieving. According to Dr. Byock, "Please forgive me," "I forgive you," "Thank you," and "I love you" are loving ways to say goodbye.
Each sentiment applies to those who are dying and those who continue to live. Each statement creates opportunities for reconciliation, release and healing grief.
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Release the past. For the one who is dying, asking for forgiveness from ones she thinks she has harmed is an important way to become centered in the present.
In such situations, the present is all there is. The dying person needs to go toward death as unburdened as possible. Similarly, one who is left to grieve after a loved one has died needs to be free from animosity. Forgiveness is release and is the key to recovering or discovering love.
On the heels of "Please forgive me" follows "I forgive you." When forgiveness is complete, love rushes in and dying takes on a new dimension. Still sorrowful, the end of life is infused with that elusive and most treasured experience of love.
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Take time to express gratitude and love. Human beings are complex. Often people do not know how much a loved one means until that loved one reaches the end of life.
Say "thank you" for all the goodness and for the lives shared. If the person who is dying cannot communicate, tell her "thank you" anyway. Touch her hands and soothe her head with a kind touch. Let her know how deeply grateful you are. Know that she is taking it all in and you are easing her passage.
Accept your loved one's gratitude. Let him know, when he thanks you for your shared experiences, that you love him for his recognition and gratitude.
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Tips & Warnings
Often love finds its unique expressions at the end of life. You may be surprised at the depths from which love arises and to which it penetrates.
