How to Ease the Pain of Military Separations
Whether you are the fiancee of a military member or a military family with five children, military separations are incredibly stressful. You must prepare for them emotionally, financially, socially, and spiritually. Preparations differ for each situation and each individual, but there are common threads for everyone. Planning ahead constantly can keep you emotionally close to your distant loved one.
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Early preparation is the key to making a military separation as painless as possible. Even before deployment orders are given, the military member should work with family as much as possible to discuss the possible impact of a deployment. One person should be designated to hold his power of attorney--a spouse, if he is married, and another responsible person if he is not.
Unmarried military members who have children and/or significant others should talk to their commands about how to ensure these loved ones have access to information and resources they will need if he should be deployed. Single parents should ensure that their children have a reliable primary caregiver in case of a deployment.
Adult loved ones are mature enough to think through the reality of a deployment, but the military member and her spouse should discuss possible separation with children, even very young ones. Make clear to children that sometimes responsibilities and duties force the military parent to be away, but that she will love and think about them constantly during this time. Do not dwell on possible separations, but do make certain children are clear that a deployment could happen.
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Financial preparation is the easiest part of dealing with military separations, and should be completed first in order to minimize stress later. The spouse must be briefed on all pay issues, from the additional separation pay, to whom they can talk to if there is a problem. Spouses should have a current power of attorney and a will in hand as early as possible, and the power of attorney should cover the entire period of the deployment plus a few months extra in case of an extension.
If the military member is the primary bill payer, he should go over all finances with his spouse. Pay off every bill you can, and automate everything possible. If there are repairs or practical issues that need to be taken care of, deal with these as well. The spouse being left behind will be overwhelmed in the first few days, and the less she has to worry about, the easier the separation will be.
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You must be emotionally prepared for separation yourself, before preparing others. Leaving your family behind can be wrenching for the military member. For the spouse, the thought that your wife or husband may be in danger soon can drown out all other things. Try to control emotional reactions; both spouses will be more prone to arguing until the actual deployment, but fighting will only make things worse. Remind yourself every day why you love your spouse, and try to make every moment special.
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Talk to your social circle--friends and family--about things you may need from them. Try to gauge from their reactions who you will be able to depend on. Your friends and family are invaluable resources for emotional support and practical assistance during a deployment. You should also get to know your ombudsman, your family resource group (often referred to as an FRG), and any other military groups you can count on, such as an officer's or enlisted spouse club. If you are religious, a military chaplain can provide emotional and spiritual support, as well as practical advice on where to go for all kinds of assistance; it is wise to visit the chaplain's office at least once before your spouse is deployed.
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During the separation, do everything you can to maintain emotional ties. Though the deployed military member may seem distant or distracted, he depends on your phone calls. Skype links and letters keep him grounded in what can be a very alien world. Children will also treasure the opportunity to speak to a deployed parent. Spouses and significant others should remember to talk about personal and emotional issues as well as the practical ones; this will minimize the feeling that you are married to a stranger when the military member returns home.
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Have a plan for reunion after deployment. Often, a deployment seems to go on forever. Knowing that you're going to stay at the cabin in the woods for a few days when she returns can give you both something to plan together and look forward to. Do not plan anything that can keep your family apart; a Disney trip should wait a few weeks or more, but a quiet fishing trip or just time spent at home can help re-cement familial bonds.
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Tips & Warnings
Children often treasure something tangible. Little girls love being able to sleep in Daddy's old T-shirt, and boys will be thrilled to get his old pocket knife.
If important family events occur during the deployment, you can have a life-size cutout of the military member made to act as a stand-in at the wedding, graduation, or Bar Mitzvah. The chaplain's office may have resources, or your local print shop may be able to create one for you.
