How to Encourage Someone to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship
It is very difficult to watch a friend or family member in an abusive relationship. Often the person in the relationship either can't see or refuses to see just how damaging the relationship is, and it takes someone outside the relationship to help her face the situation.
According to the American Institute on Domestic Violence, 5.3 million women are abused each year. It takes courage to talk to someone about an abusive relationship. You might get unexpected reactions such as denial or anger, but in the end you might be able to keep someone from becoming another statistic.
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Instructions
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Arrange to meet your friend for tea or lunch in a neutral setting, such as a coffee house or park. Choose a meeting place where she will feel she can talk freely. Don't let her know the reason for your meeting; if she's in denial, she might not show up.
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Tell her exactly what your concerns are. Let her know specifically what you have seen or witnessed. Has it been a change in her behavior? Does she have marks or bruises? Is she withdrawing from public and canceling plans with you and other friends and family? If she says that she is not physically abused, point out that there are many other forms of abuse, including mental, emotional and financial; she doesn't need to be hit to be a victim of abuse. Add that mental abuse is sometimes the start of the abuse cycle that leads to physical violence.
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Listen to her. Give her a few moments to adjust to the fact that the abuse is noticed by others. Sometimes victims of abuse think that they can hide it from the outside world. By putting the abuse in the open, you might have become the catalyst for change. She might cry, get defensive, lie, get angry. Don't be angry with her or add to her stress. Let her emotions run their course, but be persistent. Reiterate what you've seen, and let her know that you are having this discussion because you love her.
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Give her a list of resources. The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE, is a 24-hour service that helps with a list of vital resources within all 50 states. Help her assess her level of safety and make an escape plan. Is there time to gather money, clothes and identification and to find a place to go, or is there immediate danger? Let her know that when she leaves she is not alone - there is support. Domestic violence shelters can assist with finding a home, legal aid, financial aid and job placement. Let her know she also has your support.
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If there are children in the household, the need to leave the situation becomes more urgent. If the children are being abused, have her take photos of the children's bruises and get them out immediately.
If there are children, involve the police immediately. This is important for custody issues. Remind her that she should not be afraid of losing the children in a custody battle if she leaves with the children. She just needs to alert the authorities about the abusive household.
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When she is ready to leave, do not go with her to her house. Even if the abuser is not expected to be home, he could be. He might have weapons and might get violent. Have her call the police, who will provide a police escort to safely and legally assist her in gathering her belongings. The police will make sure she safely arrives at her destination, such as a shelter or family home.
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Tips & Warnings
Have a checklist ready of things for her to take when she leaves. She might not be thinking clearly and she will need her ID, credit cards, bank account numbers, paycheck stubs, clothes, toiletries, medications, children's school and medical records, car insurance and registration, etc.
Have her photograph any bruises and make a diary of all the abusive things he's said and done. This record will allow her to recall dates and incidents to her attorney and the authorities.
Be prepared for things not to go smoothly. She might walk out on you, and she might turn her anger on you. Putting her situation out in the open forces her to take a look at her life, and she might not be prepared. Unless there is dire physical abuse or children are involved, do not force the issue. Just let her know that you are there for her.
