How to Help People Dealing with the Death of a Loved One

Helping a person who is grieving over the death of a loved one, whether human or animal, requires that you be willing to focus on somebody else's needs and offer them assistance and compassion even if you don't understand what they're feeling. Too many people assume the best way to help a grief-stricken person is to say, "I know exactly how you feel." Here's a clue: you don't.

Instructions

1. Watch for signs of radical behavior changes (acting out, high-risk activities, disinterest in activities that were formerly interesting). If you see them, suggest pastoral or professional help. Acting out after the death of a loved one is more common in children than in adults. If you detect risky behavior, or irrational thinking, professional help is required. Offer to take the bereaved to the counseling session, or even participate in it, if he wants you to.

2. Offer to help make the funeral or memorial service arrangements. Even if you go along and just take notes, often that is very useful. People who are grieving do not process details and information with their usual efficiency.

3. Offer to serve as a transport service to and from the airport, bus or train stations for family members and friends who may be arriving from out of town for the funeral or memorial services.

4. Offer to help out with cooking, cleaning and yard work on an as-needed basis. However, if you say you'll do it, then do it, and don't make excuses for not being available.

5. Offer to spend time with her. Invite her to have coffee, a meal, a walk or go shopping with you. What a grieving person needs most is to feel that she can participate in everyday activities again without worrying about what other people think.

6. Help out with paperwork. Bank accounts need balancing, bills need to be paid and letters need to be answered. This is especially useful in cases where she was not the one who took care of the bills--you can show her how to do the things formerly done by someone else.

Tips & Warnings

• You can do much to help simply by creating a safe, nonjudgmental space in which sorrowful feelings can be expressed. Permit the other person to guide the conversation to whatever level he chooses.

• Always say, "I am so very sorry for your loss" or "I can sense how deeply you're hurting."

• Listen patiently, even if his memories are confused or his feelings appear to range from extreme to extreme in a short span. If he seems blocked, you can always ask, "Do you remember anything else?" or "Would you like to say more about this?"

• Never say, "I know exactly how you feel." You're wrong. You don't know exactly what another person's grief feels like, and it's presumptuous in the extreme for you to say you do.

• Grief is not a disease, and you can't catch it by being in its presence. The warm human comfort of somebody who cares about her well-being goes a long way toward taking the edge off unfamiliar and sorrowful feelings. Your companionship will be greatly appreciated.

References

• 101 Ways You Can Help: How to Offer Comfort and Support to Those Who Are Grieving; Aleshire, Liz, et al; 2009