How to Help Support Your Infertile Friends

Things you shouldn't say
Things you should say

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• A sensitive heart and desire to help

1. Remember that these people are HURTING. You want to help - but remember what the road to hell is paved with....the best of intentions. It doesn't matter that you meant to help the person when you opened your mouth and said something that really, really hurt them. Words, once spoken, can't be taken back and can leave scars that compound the pain. Tread carefully here.

2. Here's what NOT to say:
   
   Some things never to say to infertile couples:
   
   "It's God's Will" or "God will give you a baby if He wants you to have one." - Think about this. You are saying that God doesn't think they're fit parents, so He chose to sterilize them. They already wonder why people who murdered their own babies were allowed to have them, while they were denied this gift. Bad choice of words. Don't.
   
   "Wow! Why are you wasting this much money?"
   
   "Why don't you adopt?" - Infertile couples have already heard of adoption, and know what it is. Furthermore, the decision to adopt is very personal, and it's not not for everyone. This may become an option for them in the future, and believe me, they're probably considering it. Please also do not suggest that someone is "selfish" because they DON'T want to adopt.
   
   They don't want to hear stories about your friends who adopted and how great their experience was.
   
   They especially don't want to hear your story about your friend who adopted and - SURPRISE! Had a baby a few years later.
   
   Don't suggest that they just needs to "relax" and they'll get pregnant. If only it were that easy. Infertility cannot be cured with a bottle of wine and a romantic dinner.
   
   Remarks about how they should not have "used up fertile years" by waiting until they finished college/bought a house/took that trip to Europe are cruel.
   
   Opinions about having a baby through infertility therapy/IVF/etc being "unnatural" should be kept to yourself.
   
   "Aren't you a little too old to have a baby?" or "Wow! Do you KNOW how OLD you'll be when your baby GRADUATES FROM HIGH SCHOOL?????" aren't helpful, or polite, either.
   
   Don't remark "you're next!" at baby showers/christenings/etc. Infertile women find these events painful enough to attend.
   
   "Oh, you can always try again." - after a failed IVF or miscarriage.
   
   "So, are you pregnant yet?"
   
   "This is nature's way of telling you that you weren't meant to be a mother." - This is just plain mean.
   
   "Well, these things happen for a reason. God must want you to adopt an orphan or volunteer to work with children."
   
   "It just isn't meant to be." - This is what you say to someone who just broke up with a boyfriend, not someone who is desperately trying to conceive a child, or worse - someone who just miscarried. Their baby died inside them. Would you say this if their child were three years old, and hit by a car?

3. So...what should you say? How about....
   "I'm so sorry you are going throug this. If you need to talk, I'm here to listen."

Tips & Warnings

• Don't give medical advice. Leave this to their doctors.
• Don't shun them. Don't be afraid to ASK how they feel about being around children. Some women don't want to attend a baby shower, christening, etc. Others may feel more hurt not to be invited at all. Don't be afraid to come right out and ask. "I'm giving a shower for Susie next week. I understand that it might make you uncomfortable...do you want to come? If not, I understand."
• Don't chide them for being "selfish" if they DON'T show enthusiasm for someone else's pregnancy/birth/child's milestone.
• Don't lecture about how much you want grandchildren, and pressure to adopt if the couple is reluctant to do this. BACK OFF.