How to Parent His Kids: Managing Step Children

Whether you're just dating the guy or you've already married him, if he has children from a former marriage, sooner or later issues will come up that you will have to deal with. Being an outsider it's not always easy to be warm and welcoming with demanding children and teenagers who have an attitude and may not want you around. If they don't like you, kids can sabotage a relationship. Here's how to learn to deal with the conflict and get along.

Instructions

1. BE INTERESTED IN WHAT CHILDREN HAVE TO SAY. Very small children are usually accepting of most people, although they may be leery in the beginning. When you first meet them, ask to see their room, their favorite toy or read them a story. Sincere attention will eventually win over most little ones. Offer positive rewards for good behavior. That ice cream they want can be contingent on good behavior at the grocery store.

   If you want to connect with a school-aged child, don't ask pointed questions like, "How was school today?" or "What did you do at school today." You'll get one-word answers like: "Fine" or "Nothing." Ask open-ended questions instead. "So, who did something silly at school today?" or "Whom did you play with today?" and ask why he/she likes that person. Learn about video games and ask about their favorite ones. Sit down and play with them. If kids think you are really interested, they will talk. If you push too hard, and don't seem authentic, they'll shut you out. Offer help with homework, but don't insist. Rewards for respectful behavior and completed chores can be time on the TV, a trip to the mall or an earned video game.

2. TEENAGERS NEED LOTS OF PATIENCE. Getting along with his kids can be trying, especially if they are teenagers. They have a mom and they don't plan on letting you take her place. If their dad has been a bachelor for a long time, they've been through this scenario before. Their dad brings home some woman and expects them to like her and get along. They have meals with her, vacation with her and the next thing they know, she's gone, and another woman is in her place. Which is why teenagers are not about to let you in easily. They will be suspicious of your motives. You have to earn their trust and friendship, and that takes time. Learn to ignore bad attitude, rolled eyes and other expressions of exasperation. You need to cope with disrespect, rudeness, bad manners, temper tantrums and possibly poor parenting on his part. Tell a teenager that you will talk to them when they are calm. Walk away from shouting and name calling. Make use of the car and special privileges contingent on their respectful attitude and their willingness to follow household rules. Learn to deal calmly with conflict, because often the guy doesn't want to have to deal with it. He will just want the problem to go away, and you know he's not going to get rid of his kids before he gets rid of you, even if you weren't the cause of the problem in the first place.

3. BALANCE YOUR NEEDS WITH THE NEEDS OF THE KIDS. You will need to be aware of your needs and aware of what children need and know that you can't always have it your way, but you should also not become a doormat for his kids. Take some parenting classes or read some books on the subject. There is plenty of parenting information to read on the Internet. You can also take parenting classes on-line. Parenting books are available from the public library. If you don't like to read, get audio tapes. There are lots of free community support groups for blended families. Check with your local Park and Rec as well. At least talk to a trusted friend to get a different perspective in your thinking.

4. WHEN THINGS GET OUT OF HAND SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. Know when to seek help. If your argument go in circles, you are arguing over the same issues every day, if your discussions end in screaming matches or slammed doors, you need professional help. If you can't afford it, check out your community services, ask your doctor for recommendations or contact your local social services agency. Sometimes the school counselor will be able to intervene for you. Know that you are not alone. Join a support group for step parents.

Tips & Warnings

• Suggested reading material:

• Elizabeth Pantley's book, The No-Cry Discipline Solution is practical with lots of tidbits for quick solutions to problems.

• Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager, by Anthony E. Wolf is good for managing teenagers.