How to Investigate an Unfaithful, Two-timing Spouse When You Suspect He's Cheating

Suspect he's a two-timing cheater? Catch Him!

If you are reading this article, I'm assuming you have reasons to believe you are in an unfaithful relationship. Heartfelt sympathy goes out to you. Infidelity stinks. On the positive side, it's better to know he's cheating, for certain, now than later, right?
When you suspect your partner is a two-timer, follow the steps in this article. When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

Things You'll Need

• One white candle
• Salt
• Felt tip markers
• Long strand of human hair
• Saltine crackers
• Cell Phone camera
• Instinct
• You may POSSIBLY alsoneed the following items:
• Sharpie bold permanant markers
• A handful of assorted nails
• A few handfuls of dirt and/or sand.

Instructions

1. Look for the 'Ah hah! moments':

   - If you suspect he pulls out of the driveway after you leave for work every evening (but claims he is "home all night", find out the truth. Place a saltine cracker directly under the rear passenger side tire of his vehicle. If and when he backs out of the drive - the cracker will be crushed crumbs. Hmmmmm.
   - How can you prove "someone's been sleeping in my bed"? Lightly sprinkle salt over the top of the outer bedding. Leave the bed just the way you 'normally' would, except for the salt. If you get home and the salt has been disturbed, or gone completely .... Hmmmmm.
   - So, you think he is sneaking out the BACK door -(or sneaking her IN the back door) to keep the neighbors from catching on? Light a white candle and climb up on a chair placed in front of the door. Allow a few drops of hot wax to drip from the door jamb to the door itself, closer to the hinged side so it is not noticeable. If and when the door is opened, the cooled wax will break. Hmmmmmm.
   - You're at a business meeting, and can't focus.... You're thinking he is entertaining another woman in your home. Before you leave the house, remove the top three dinner plates from your cupboard. On the underside of each plate, make a small scribble with a marker. If two plates have been washed, the marker will be gone. Hmmmmm....
   - Okay, he admits to leaving the house to run out to the store for a snack. The cracker is crushed, how can you prove he didn't get his 'snack' from the 7-11? Prior to leaving the house yourself, you strategically placed a long strand of fine human hair over his special cologne. Pet hair will work if yours is short or too coarse. The hair is gone when you return (in fact, the bottle is facing a different direction as well?!). Now, why would he spritz himself all pretty to go to the 7-11? Hmmmmm ......
   - Check ashtrays for cigarette butts. Not only are you looking for an unfamiliar brand, but check the condition of the butts. Old cigarette filters become stiff and hard, fresh butts/filters will still be pliable.
   - If you suspect certain items are moved or used during his entertaining hours that would not be moved if he were alone (ie: sofa cushions, specific shoes, liquor ... you know him best), use your cell phone camera to snap a few shots on your way out the door. When you arrive home again, you can compare the items in the photos to manner in which you found them upon return.

2. You've seen enough; you're being cheated on. You make the decision to leave. Consult friends and family in search of a respite place to stay. It's only temporary at this point. No need to lease a furnished appartment just yet.

3. - You've found a new place to call home temporarily. You're packed and ready to go. Just a few last minute details before you go:

   - Empty half the amount from his cologne bottles. Refill with a mixture of lots of garlic or onion powder and water.
   - When you wax over the back door, melt the whole candle rather than a drop or two. Apply to the entire top of the door, completely sealing it to the top of the door jamb. This time when he sneaks her in, a whole bunch of hard wax pieces will crumble down on their heads.
   - On the flip side of the dinner plates, write boldly (in Sharpie) a few 'choice' words.

   - When you sprinkle the bed with salt, this time use a mixture of salt and SAND. Toss handfuls liberally, and be sure to get in between the SHEETS.

   - Forget the cracker under his rear passenger tire. This time leave nails. Plenty of them. Under all four tires.
   - Did you catch any incriminating evidence with your cell phone camera pictures? Print them off on your computer, and leave them in plain view.
   - Oh, and! Clip a strand of your hair about an inch long. You want to leave something for him to remember you by, true? With scissors, snip it into the teeny-tiniest fragments you possibly can. Sprinkle them in that ashtray that only gets used on his 'special nights'.