How to Bond With Your Step Child
You have finally met someone you believe to be your soul mate and everything is near perfect. From the first date to the proposal, you couldn't imagine anything knocking you off your cloud--until you say "I do," and combine households, children and all.
While you were dating, his child seemed receptive to you, but now all she seems to do is scowl when she sees you. You wonder what you can do to grow closer to her and have the happy ending you always dreamed of. Though it may take time, it can happen. You just need to know how to make it happen.
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Instructions
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Give her respect. Whether you are moving into her home or she has moved into yours, respect her by giving her space and time to adjust to the change. The time for adjustment will depend on how well she has adjusted to her parents' divorce and the living arrangements that resulted from it. You need to keep in mind that her perspective is different than yours; she may have pent-up confusion, anger and resentment she must first get past before she makes her way to you.
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Be a friend, not a parent. While you should not accept disrespectful behavior, in the beginning it may be better to allow dad to discipline. This will prevent your new addition from resenting you for any rules and regulations he does not agree with while maintaining a routine he is used to. Doing this may also result in him coming to you when he feels a punishment is not justified; this is your chance to talk to him as a friend, giving him advice that he may actually listen to.
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Invite her out. The best way to get to know your stepchild is to spend time alone with her. Plan a day of shopping at the mall and ask if she would like to join you. Even if a majority of your time is spent in silence, that's okay; at least you are with her. You need to feel comfortable together, even through silence.
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Make a treat. While he is doing his homework, make him a special treat like brownies or some popcorn. Every child needs a boost of energy while they are concentrating, and a kind gesture with a sincere smile can lay the foundation for a strong relationship later on down the road.
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Show respect to her mother. Many times children are instinctively protective about their natural mother and worry about her feelings, regardless of her actions or words. To help make matters worse, show respect to your stepchild's mother, never speaking unkindly to her or about her. If your stepchild sees this regularly, she will come to realize you are not a monster and any defensive feelings she may have had toward you will slowly begin to fade. This will eventually result in a closer relationship between the two of you.
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Read a book. Suzen Ziegahn, a clinical psychologist specializing in issues with stepfamilies, wrote an informative book entitled, "7 Steps to Bonding With Your Stepchild." In it, Ziegahn helps you realize that no matter how impossible your situation may seem, you can achieve the relationship you desire to have with your spouse's child. She helps you decide what kind of stepparent you want to be while gently making you realize that love takes time.
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