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Step 1
. The main cause of this problem is personal stress and most people show their stress through some form of anger. Unfortunately most of the time, anger is demonstrated in the form of yelling, putdowns and verbal abuse. None of us should have to tolerate this type of behavior from anyone but it is a fact that we seem to be dealing with more angry people today.
With our current economic problems we have all been affected or know someone in our families that is affected in some manner with lower home values, rising debt, stock market losses and uncertainty about continued employment. Along with the aforementioned, dealing and coping with life in general, has a lot of people stressed and they can be difficult to be around and to deal with. People will express their stress through anger and most of the time this show of anger is directed at people and institutions who have not been the cause of the problem. -
Step 2
We are experiencing more angry people at Board of Directors Meetings, Members’ Meetings and in our management and maintenance duties. Difficult and angry people can be combative over the telephone or in person. Most Board members do not have the training to deal with these types of individuals. This article will help you to handle and diffuse people who are angry and difficult.
In many instances angry people have stressful events taking place in their lives other than the event, problem or situation that has set off their anger and which is directed at you. It could be economic, health, marital, or employment related. It could be their problem or issue or it could be someone in their family who is having the problem. But in all cases, they are affected by this, they are stressed, they are angry and they want you to know about it and be a part of their stress and anger. -
Step 3
Imagine that there is an owner who is not maintaining their home to the community standards, or a resident who is not paying their assessments, or there is an owner who is ignoring the documents and is in violation of the rules and regulations. A Board member says something to the person or the association’s attorney writes a demand letter for payment or the property manager writes a violation letter offending the owner. This sets the owner off into a verbal tirade towards anyone who seems to be challenging them. Their anger is directed at the person who has come into contact with them, but in reality this issue or problem is only the catalyst for their anger to come out.
It is very easy for someone like this to vent their anger at you, as you really are not someone who is important in their lives. If you were their boss, wife, mother or friend they would not blow up with an emotional tirade directed at you. You simply are not that influential in their life and you are just adding to a list of problems that they are dealing with. That is why we become targets.
Unfortunately, our reaction to someone like this is to become defensive, protect ourselves and then to become angry ourselves at this person. Realistically, we know that even though it may feel good to also get angry, it will not be helping this person, or solving the issue, which is what we really want to happen. -
Step 4
The following is a few of the mistakes that we all make when we are dealing with an angry person:
1. Talking Down to the Person. If we are not supposed to get angry with this person, then a behavior that is substituted is usually putting down or patronizing the individual. Talking down to them will only make matters worse and will make them even angrier.
2. Nonverbal Anger. In the middle of the confrontation we are stuffing our emotions and anger, yet our nonverbal reactions are just as expressive.
3. Reinforcing They are the Cause of the Problem. In most cases, it is the angry individual who caused the problem in the first place and we usually want to point this out to them. “We told you about this in our newsletter” or, “We posted that information in the mailroom, you should have read it”. These kinds of statements may be true, but they are not a good strategy when having to deal with an angry person. With this statement you are reinforcing their stupidity and not solving the real issue.
4. Acting Indignantly Towards the Individual. When someone is attacking us we know that we are not the problem and that we deserve to be treated in a professional manner. It is as if we are about to give ourself permission to attack back. And if we do attack back, we have only taken the attention off of the individual and their problem onto our situation. This does not help them either.
5. Correcting Facts or Minor Points. Sometimes when we are verbally abused, in order to take control, we will correct some minor fact or point. This really is not the issue and not the cause of their anger and by doing this, only increases their annoyance. -
Step 5
• How can we try to handle an angry person in a non-combative helpful manner?
1. Show Concern and Empathy. When someone begins to get angry with you, in order to make them stop, we just want to interrupt them and try to solve the problem quickly. What this person wants is for you to listen to their issues and for you to feel bad for their situation. This is empathetic listening and is done by acknowledging their problem to them and shows that you feel for them.
2. Restate the Issue. When that person realizes that you care about their situation, they also need to know that you understand the problem as well. By restating back to the angry person what you perceive as the issue, even though it is difficult to do this, they want to know that someone truly understands them.
3. Explain Your Actions and Reasoning. After showing empathy and understanding it is then time to explain your reasons for actions. It may be because the documents require this action or by allowing their non-conforming ARB you will subject the association to selective enforcement. If it is something that you do not have the authority to decide, tell this person that and that the Board of Directors will have to make that determination. By explaining to the angry person how their actions or inactions affect the entire community and its long term values, they will see that there is a long term benefit to them as well. -
Step 6
The next time you are confronted by an angry owner, resist your natural tendency to defend yourself by attacking back and trying to quickly show the person how they are wrong. In the long run you may not be able to solve their problem in the way they would like you to, but you may be able to diffuse the situation and get them to understand that there are other issues that they need to consider. The manner in which you handle angry people may help to solve more problems for your community.
