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Step 1
Praise Verses Encouragement
A very significant mistake you want to be mindful of is to not confuse praise with encouragement. They are not the same thing!
Many parents believe they are encouraging children when they praise them. They do not realize that praise can be discouraging.
"What?" Parents are shocked when told that praise can be harmful to their children.
"But, "isn't praise what builds self-esteem?"
No, acceptance builds self-esteem.
Praise is similar to flattery. It is broad and superficial and it generally inflates the child’s ego incorrectly: Praise focuses on the child himself: It is restricted only to good outcomes – “You are successful when you perform successfully.”
Praise is used as a tool to manipulate – “You are only worthy when you perform within my specifications.”
Praise promotes self-glorification – “Look at me… I am better than anyone else!”
Praise is a type of reward based on competition. With praise children learn to please others. They decide this is the only way to feel worthwhile.
Children also learn to want more praise. They worry when parents do not praise them. They start to doubt themselves.
Encouragement is uniquely individualist and focuses on the child’s actions rather than on the child: Encouragement focuses on what the child attempts: It is grounded on the child’s efforts, even small efforts.
Encouragement is sincere and honest. It promotes healthy, sound self-esteem.
Encouragement is a gift. Everyone deserves it. It can be given for effort or improvement. It can be given when a child is not doing well.
It can be given just for being.
Encouragement helps children to accept themselves and feel capable. It raises their self-esteem. Encouragement embraces the child for who he is and it focuses on his attempts rather than on his achievements. -
Step 2
How Do I Value My Child?
In order to encourage your child you must look at his positive aspects. Think, how can I show my child that he is valued?
Many parents erroneously think that encouragement means pushing their child to greater heights of achievement. In fact, parental encouragement is about helping your child feel better about himself, his role in your family, and the value of his contributions.
Encouragement is the technique you use to focus on your child's gifts and strengths. Using this technique is foundational in developing your child’s self-confidence and self-esteem.
A child that is encouraged has strong self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem helps your child feel that he belongs, and that he can contribute and is loved. It helps him to have the courage to create successes and get through problems. Encouragement gives your child the courage to try new things, to cooperate and to be responsible. It helps him to say “I can” and “I will.”
Encouragement is the language of love. It is based on the idea of respect. If you neglect to speak words of love into the minds and souls of your children, they will fail to know you love them.
You begin to encourage your child by loving and accepting him. Notice when he attempts new things and when he improves. Appreciate your child just for being himself. Have faith in him.
Treat your child as a responsible person, never do for him what he can do for himself. Allow him opportunities to succeed. When appropriate, invite your child to participate in decisions making, ask for his advice or opinions. Make sure your words of encouragement are more about your child’s uniqueness and less about his performance. -
Step 3
Notice Your Child's Efforts
If you want your child to see himself as a worthwhile person, you must genuinely accept him as he is, with all of his flaws.
You must learn to separate the behavior from the child. You can love your child without accepting his misbehavior.
Your child will not always behave the way you like. You must let him know he is valued as a person no matter how he acts. Do not make your love and acceptance contingent on his behavior.
Improvement takes time. People do not achieve things all at once.
Every skill we learn is made up of small steps and efforts. Recognize improvement and effort, not just accomplishments. Look for an effort or improvement and find a chance to tell your child you noticed. -
Step 4
Encouragement Promotes Self-confidence, Creativity, and Independence
Parental encouragement leads a child to develop powers of judgment and criticism: To become internally motivated; to work to make himself, rather than others, proud.
Of course, there's nothing wrong with parents being proud of their child, or with the child wanting his parents to be proud. But parental pride should be a by-product rather than a goal of the child's accomplishments.
When you are encouraging to your child, you are helping him develop inner resources and courage. You give your child confidence to handle challenges. You can do this in several ways:
By valuing and accepting your child just as he is. Remember, children have different abilities, interests, and rates of development. They also have ups and downs that are reflected in their moods and behavior. Each child, too, has his own strengths and weaknesses. By appreciating and accepting both, you are showing your child that he is valued just as he.
By believing in your child, and showing it: “Go ahead—you can read the book by yourself.” “I know you’re excited, but you can wait ten minutes for the show to start. “You’ll learn to tie your shoelaces.”
By treating your child with respect: Remember, mutual respect and self-respect go hand in hand.
By making it clear your child’s worth does not depend on being better than others: Judgments and comparisons are not encouraging. An encouraged child believes in his own value.
By appreciating your child’s efforts and improvements: “You’re getting better at remembering to close the door when you come into the house.”
“Look at that, you caught the ball!”
By appreciating your child’s strengths and positive qualities: “It was nice of you to share your candy with your brother.” “Maybe if you sing to your baby sister, she’ll fall asleep. She likes to hear you sing.”
By showing real interest in the areas that interest your child (and not only in the areas that you feel are important).
By keeping a sense of humor: A sense of humor shows your child how to keep mistakes in perspective. This can help both you and your child relax. It can help you encourage yourself, too!
Comments
babyhype said
on 9/20/2009 Thanks for the inspiration. I have two wonderful children and I want them to live life to the fullest.
lilypjmom2122 said
on 9/16/2009 Wow great info here. I have 2 children and this article I will take to heart. thanks:) 5* and recommend