How to Effectively Confront your Child's Passive Aggressive Behavior

Children as well as adults can exhibit passive-aggressive behavior patterns.

Children can fall into passive-aggressive behavior patterns as easily as adults. Children who are reluctant to express their true feelings, for whatever reason, are particularly prone to the frustrating behaviors -- such as procrastination, making excuses and blaming others -- associated with passive aggression. The passive-aggressive child believes that it is not safe or acceptable to express anger directly, and so has developed subtle, often self-defeating, coping mechanisms. Parents can help children overcome passive-aggressive tendencies by becoming alert to underlying causes and making necessary changes in family dynamics and communication patterns.

Instructions

Self Awareness

1. 

   Helping our children change requires us to examine our own attitudes.

   Examine the way you and your spouse or parenting partner relate to others. Engage in honest self-examination to become aware of any passive-aggressive behaviors on your own part, such as failure to honor obligations, refusal to admit feelings of anger, indecisiveness and "'martyr" attitudes.

2. 

   A belief that angry feelings are wrong can lead to passive-aggression.

   Scrutinize the emotional environment in your home. Pay close attention to any attitudes or behaviors that might cause your child to believe that she cannot express anger openly. Become aware of ways that you might be inadvertently communicating to your child that he will be less loved if he expresses negative feelings or unmet needs.

3. Explore possible underlying causes for any dysfunctional patterns you uncover, and initiate whatever changes are necessary to model effective, healthy communication for your child, and to create a safe emotional environment for her. Seek counseling if necessary. Be aware that seeking professional assistance is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Making Changes

1. Discuss passive-aggressive behavior patterns openly with your child and any other household members. Explain what changes are needed, and admit to any behaviors and attitudes that you will be working on yourself. Use positive, encouraging phrasing, and emphasize that developing healthy emotional and behavioral patterns will lead to a happier life for everyone concerned.

2. Refuse to participate in any last-minute crises caused by your child's procrastination. If he consistently leaves school projects until the night before the due date, allow him to experience the natural consequences of this classic passive-aggressive behavior. Conversely, give him encouragement and positive reinforcement when he completes assignments in a timely way.

3. 

   If your child habitually refuses to say why she is upset, leave her alone.

   Refuse to wheedle or cajole your child to find out what is troubling her. If she frequently employs the passive-aggressive tactic of implying that she is upset about something while refusing to discuss the problem, simply say, "I'm sorry you're unhappy. I'm here for you, if you'd like to discuss it." Then leave her alone and go about your business.

4. Remain detached if your child exhibits a typical passive-aggressive behavior. If he complains of being bored while rejecting all of your ideas for possible activities, simply allow him to remain bored. Acknowledge to yourself that your child's feelings are his own, and it is not your responsibility to alleviate his boredom.

5. Above all, respond compassionately to any and all healthy, nondestructive expressions of anger your child shows. Every time she shares negative emotions openly and you respond with acceptance and love, she learns that passive-aggressive coping mechanisms are unnecessary.

References

• My Counseling Site: Passive Aggressive Behavior Explained
• Michael Samsel, MA, LMHC: Passive Aggressive Behavior