How to Avoid Chores

Avoid the drudgery of household chores. With this foolproof guide, you will successfully procrastinate today.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• 1. A list of chores around the house (i.e., dishes to do, mowing the lawn, vacuuming)
• A coffee pot with plenty of coffee (or tea if you don't drink coffee)
• A computer with an online connection
• Pajamas

1. Wake up early. Having made your list the night before, immediately go to the kitchen and make yourself a nice pot of coffee. I recommend using the most delicious coffee you can find, for it is important to be happy when you are drinking it.

2. Fix yourself a cup with all the trimmings: cream, sugar, honey, soy milk if you live in Seattle or Portland. If you didn't already, this is a good time to put those pajamas on. If you like an old pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that's fine, just make sure it is an outfit you can spend several hours in comfortably. Arrange your desk or computer area so there are no distractions such as work, checkbooks to balance, any notes or messages for people to call. Clear all the work away, this is crucial to proper chore avoidance.

3. With your list of chores in one hand and the coffee in the other, go sit at the computer. Place the list of chores directly behind you on the floor. Get comfortable: if you need slippers, put them on, adjust the thermostat, and pull up You tube. Watch videos of kittens falling down or news anchors making mistakes, pratfalls, clips from your favorite movies, even lectures from favorite authors. Keep watching, making playlists, clicking on the next related video quickly, so as so keep yourself from thinking about the list behind you. Drink your coffee slowly, savoring each sip, enjoying the sensation of being in a static position. Continue these steps until the sun goes down. Believe me, it will go by faster than you think. At the end of the day crumple up the list and throw it away. Congratulations, you have avoided you chores! Good job!

Tips & Warnings

• Keep watching, do not let any more than a minute go by between videos, as this will allow you to remember the list of chores on the floor behind you.
• Have fun, share good videos with friends, post them to your facebook or myspace pages, explore the oblivion. Broaden your definitions of entertainment by watching videos about new subjects that you might not otherwise be interested in. This ensures longer procrastination, for you are more absorbed in your videos.
• If you get stuck, or cant think of what to search for, search Ellen Degeneres. Her show is endlessly entertaining, appeals to a wide audience, and she has countless videos to watch. Her opening monologues alone can burn a huge chunk of the day.
• Do not avoid chores that you need to do to survive and be responsible, such as paying bills, going to work, or picking the kids up from school. These are essentials that must be done. Almost everything else can be avoided (laundry, mopping, weeding, painting the house, fixing the front gate, cleaning out the refrigerator)
• Don't forget to eat

[tigertai]

on 8/12/2009 I don't get it. Kidding, like the humor. Happy Writing!

[2dogs3eyes]

on 8/11/2009 FINALLY! Someone who gets me! 5*'s brother

[harvard]

on 8/11/2009 Excellent article and words to live by. It takes a certain discipline to avoid discipline and I believe it's called free-will or existentialism. I think Jon Lennon and other great minds have told us this also. Great article! Thank you. (I was going to write a comment later but decided to get it over with now LOL)

[cygnetbrown]

on 8/10/2009 This would be entertaining if it weren't so true. Well written.

[rnhealthinfo]

on 8/10/2009 Congratulations on your first and very entertaining How to Avoid Chores article. Nicely done and I look forward to more soon. 5*R