How to Jerk
The new dance made famous by the New Boys is the new thing and you're old news if you ain't doin it, Bubba. Sorry, man; that's what's up. That hippie crap is so 70's, break dancing is so 80's, gangsta rap is so 90's. Catch up with the times, man. Don't worry; I have videos of how to Jerk down at the bottom of this page. Stretch before you attempt.
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Things You'll Need
- A teenager at home
- Limber legs
- Probably a doctor after you try to do it
Instructions
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1
HAVE THE GEAR. Although you can Jerk in anything, as Obama shows us in Exhibit 1 to the left, you don't want to get caught at the party with the wrong gear. People might think you're doing the Twist or something. Even though those dances totally aren't the same thing. You need bright colors everywhere. Nothing can match nothing else. Just go out one day after it rains, look at the rainbow, and get every color you see.
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HAVE THE ATTITUDE. I know you want to get to the moves and all, but moves are 90% attitude, so you gotta have that before you ever step to the dance, yo. No, Jerking isn't the Chicken from the 60's, or the Uncle Willie from the 50's; it just LOOKS like it because you're performing the same physical movements. The attitude is TOTALLY different. You gotta ACT like your gear LOOKS. And remember, because none of your gear matches, that's how you want to act. Basically, just have the attitude of a drunk white boy who's body parts just won't sync up, no matter what he does. But, he knows this, and doesn't care any more. Just be like that. That's the attitude you gotta have to Jerk, my man!
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HAVE THE MOVES. Jerking is not just doing the Kid 'N Play dances from the House Party movies, I promise. These are TOTALLY new dance steps from trained professionals that require TOTALLY new gear, TOTALLY new attitude, and TOTALLY new steps. But now that we got your gear and attitude down, it's finally time for the moves. Ok, so like I said, the Jerk was started by people who are very skilled at what they do, and you shouldn't be discouraged if you can't get it all at once. Start slow. Basically, take any dance move you've ever learned, reverse it, and pretend like you're going to fall over while you do it. That's jerking~! Also, jump up in the air at random intervals, and clicking your heels seems to be a staple. If you can't do this without falling over, that's even better. Just pretend like you didn't mean to fall over, and when you hit the ground, do a breakdancer pose. Methamphetamines help tremendously. Hallucinating, or at least looking like you are, is key. Just direct your eyes in a different direction from the one you are moving and you'll have most of Jerking down. Most of all, have fun!! Awww...you look so cuuute.
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Tips & Warnings
Man, I'm really just kidding. Just move. I can't make fun of these kids no more.
I actually do love the New Boys. New Boys, New Boys, New Boys, New Boys, New Boys, New Boys! They bring something different to the party.
If you're over 35, have a doctor handy.
Bonding with your teen isn't worth your life. So if you see something done in one of those convoluted rap crap why the hell do we let the kids watch these, Evelene videos that you just can't do, let it go. Just let it go.
