How to Help Your Children After a Divorce or Separation

Divorce and separation is never easy on anyone, but as a parent, you not only have yourself to worry about, you have your children as well.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

1. UNDERSTAND. Understand that at this time, your children are feeling more helpless than you because they don't have any control of the situation and they may even feel responsible for the divorce. Reassure them they are not responsible for it, even if they have not said it.

2. ALLOW TIME FOR YOUR CHILDREN TO ASK QUESTIONS. Many children will deal with their feelings silently or act out in school, but they will have a lot of questions. These questions could be: Who will get the television set? Who will I live with? Will you get married again? Are we going to be poor? and many others. So they may start out silent, but they do have questions.

3. NEVER FORCE AN ISSUE OR FORCE THEM TO TALK TO YOU. It may take some time for the child to be able to understand fully what is going on. They are trying to have it run through their mind...they will not be able to talk until it is finished being processed in their own mind.

4. HAVE SOMEONE THEY CAN SPEAK WITH WHETHER IT IS A TRUSTED FAMILY MEMBER, A COUNSELOR/SOCIAL WORKER AT THE SCHOOL, OR THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL. They may want to say something and express something important but may not share it with you for fear of hurting your feelings. It is important they have some outlet and someone to talk to.

5. YOU DO NOT WANT TO SAY NASTY THINGS ABOUT YOUR EX IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN, BUT YOU DO NOT WANT TO PAINT THEM AS WONDERFUL IF THEY ARE NOT. If a parent's behavior is wired, admit it. Tell them you don't know why they are acting that way, be honest. You also do not want to talk about how horrible that other person is either. The child is torn, they love both parents and will feel badly when they hear those things.

6. LET THEM KNOW THEY CAN HAVE CONTROL, BUT NOT OF THE SITUATION. They can control who they choose to play with, they can control what they want to play or the clothes that they wear, but they cannot control their parents and their decisions. Of course say this in a sympathetic way.

7. EXPLAIN THAT THE DIVORCE IS A PROBLEM BETWEEN ADULTS. Let them know that the two of you are not happy with each other and no one can make the two of you become happy with each other. Love in a relationship is a decision that two grown ups make.

8. GET HELP FOR YOURSELF. You don't want to hide your feelings, nor do you want to be overly emotional. Let them see you cry because it's natural, but don't lay in bed all day with the shades down. You do have to try to be strong for your children even though it will seem like the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Make sure you are doing okay. You can't help them if you can't function.

9. LET THEM KNOW THEIR BODIES AND BRAIN WORK TOGETHER. When they worry their bodies may begin to feel differently. They may feel sick and scared. Let them know that time will help them heal, and asking questions will help them through the situations. Encourage them to discuss their feelings.

10. EXPLAIN THAT DIVORCE CAN MAKE THEM FEEL DIFFERENT THINGS. They may feel angry, confused, hurt, and frustrated. It's alright to feel these things, but try to express them in healthy ways.

11. REASSURE THEM THAT THEY WILL SMILE AGAIN. Let them know things may seem gloomy right now, but one day they will smile again, and you will be able to do that together.