How to Not Get Man Boobs

Man boobs are unsightly, repugnant, and they may concuss you if you try and run. Here, I will teach you how to avoid the need for a manssiere, or "bro."

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• The ability to put food down
• A sports bra from a fat woman
• A tiny shred of self respect

1. Admit you have a problem. Namely, that you look like a more hirsute version of your mom.

2. Commit to consuming fewer calories per day than the nation of Haiti. Keep a food diary so you can see what a gluttonous hog you are.

3. Get at least 30 minutes of aerobic exercise per day. In the early stages, this will be as simple as trying to perform basic toileting procedures. As you progress and become more fit and less fat, this may require you to actually step away from your computer.

4. Get and use a support system. This could be an obese family member, a friend who also has man-boobs, or a series of scaffolding pieces to keep you from falling on others.

5. Stick with it! The hardest part of any major lifestyle change is not reverting to the same failed habits that made you a pariah of society. Realize that you are becoming a better you, even while the other half of you slowly disappears.

6. When you inevitably fail, because of your flawed genetic material or your intrinsic inability to demonstrate any self-control, either seek a surgical option or consider availing yourself of your state's assisted suicide law (if they have one).

Tips & Warnings

• A sports bra will be vital in the painful, early, bouncy-boob stages!
• If at any time during your exercise and calorie-restriction phase you feel light-headed, dizzy, or confused, pause for a few moments and think about what normal people feel like when they see your bare-chested self.