How to Survive Your Soldier's Deployment

It's no secret: deployments are difficult for everyone involved. Not only for the soldiers but also for the family left waiting. Whether you are a military wife, military girlfriend, Army mother, Marine sister, Air Force father, Navy brother, or any other significant person in a soldier's life, the difficulties faced on the home front are uniform. I am a Marine Rifleman's girlfriend and an 82nd Airborne Paratrooper's sister. I have gone through one deployment in the past that left me emotionally destroyed. Now I'm getting ready to wait through my brother's and my Marine's simultaneous deployments next month. Going into these two deployments, I keep thinking to myself, "If I only knew before my first deployment what I know now." These next steps will share what I learned from being on the home front during deployment #1 and how to make your upcoming time apart more bearable for both you and your soldier.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

1. Discuss any concerns about taking on what could've previously been the soldier's normal duties around the house if you feel you'll have difficulty with them and discuss who could help if a problem should arise (primarily directed to the military spouse.) You may want to ask your soldier for a few contact information of a couple of soldiers (your soldier's friends) living nearby who aren't being deployment with your soldier and who could help in a case of emergency- from a broken faucet (we all know military money can be tight to call a professional out for something so small yet so important) to an emergency on base. Many times soldier's spouses move to the base shortly before a deployment and don't know anyone at all or the friends they have made are also being deployed with your soldier. It's just better to be prepared than not be.

2. Obviously you and your soldier are going to be scared. You may want to discuss some of these concerns with your soldier, but don't take it personally if he/she doesn't want to talk about the actual deployment. Maybe your soldier will have no problem with it. It really just depends on what type of person your soldier is, but sometimes it's easier to not think about leaving and enjoy the last few months with family. Also remember that soldiers are trained to be "rough and tough." You'll see it in their eyes before they leave that they're scared and sad to leave you. There's no need to talk in depth about what he/she "might" experience. Don't scare you or your soldier any more than you already are. The only thing they really care about is you telling them how much they mean to you, that you'll be with them through letters and care packages through the deployment, and that you'll be right there waiting when they come back.

3. I can tell you I've already cried numerous times, and neither of my guys have even left yet! It's just the thought of the two single most important people in my life leaving and soon that day will come. This is probably the only step that no matter how much you prepare, the result will be the same. I know I'm going to be a wreck for at least two days (probably more) after they both leave and that's expected and fine. So go ahead, cry your heart out but only for a set period. Tell yourself you have one more hour of sulking then you're done. Your soldier always got back up after training at 29 Palms or a hard hit to the ground after a jump at Airborne School. You are your soldier's soldier now. Get back up, stand tall, and look forward to the day he comes home.

4. The following things go hand in hand: Optimism and Keeping Busy. It's easy to get down in the slumps sometimes, but snap out of it. Keep a positive mentality. He'll come home. He'll be alright and just think of that day. Imagine standing there waiting on the tarmac for his plane to land, finally seeing him, and running to give him the biggest hug you'll ever had in your life. You thought you both were close before- wait until his homecoming day. You'll never be more happier and grateful for life. Think of that and there's no way you won't smile. While you're thinking of your soldier, keep busy. I swear, keeping busy is the key to every deployment. The very reason I came out emotionally destroyed after my first deployment was because I wasn't busy. If you're busy you're more likely to be optimistic and not let yourself fall into self-pity. Yeah, your situation could be better, but it could also be a lot worse. Get involved with every activity that draws you in that has nothing to do with your soldier's deployment. You'll also want to get involved with every activity that has everything to do with your soldier's deployment.

5. You've Got Mail! Sending letters and care packages is crucial.
   
   Letters:
   I plan on sending my Marine one letter everyday when he's gone, but that's just because we like the movie The Notebook. =] I've heard people say once a week and that's what I did with my last deployment. Personally I don't think it's enough. Let's just say..minimum-once a week, maximum-once a day. You always want to do the minimum though, because there's nothing worse than looking forward to mail day and you're the only soldier who doesn't get mail.
   
   Care packages:
   Deciding what to put in them can be hard. You don't always know what they need or want, and you don't want to send the same thing in each one either. During my first deployment, I did send normal ones and I found exactly that. It got boring, there was no surprise element, and I didn't know what to stuff them with. Buuuutttt!... I recently found a website that tells all about care packages. It's a Marine Corps website, but it can be used for any branch of the military. It'll introduces you to "theme care packages." They're so fun and I plan on using these for both of my upcoming deployments. Even if you don't like the idea and decide to do the traditional packages, I would recommend using an idea from one of the theme suggestions. It's sort of like a Day at Home. Have someone take a picture of everything you do in one day and send him things to do with it. Take a picture of you getting out of bed- send him a self-decorated pillowcase. You brushing your teeth- a mini tube of the toothpaste you use. Eating breakfast-a single serving of your cereal. (MY FAVORITE) Mowing the grass-fill a sandwich baggy with lawn clippings (it reminds them of home to smell fresh cut grass.) It just reminds them of home and reminds them you miss them in your everyday life. The website also has a link and information on how to get free boxes (select your size) and shipping labels for the your packages. http://usmcgals.com/carepackages.htm
   
   Phone Calls:
   The frequency of the calls and their length will depend on where your soldier is. They'll all have a FOB (the base) but your soldier may not be there very much depending on what they're doing. If they are there a lot, the phone calls will be more frequent and longer (once every 2-3 weeks maybe.) If they are not there, there's really no telling (anywhere from once every 3 weeks to every other month and shorter calls.) Don't get mad if they don't call or if their call gets cut off. They would

6. Two Words: Semper Fidelis.
   Many of you know that the worst thing a military spouse could possibly do during a deployment is break this code. Being faithful to your soldier is one of the most, if not thee most important rule of deployment. You're the one in the States, surrounded by family and friends- if not, just surrounded by normal, familiar civilians. Every soldier would love nothing more than to be by your side and to disrespect a soldier by being unfaithful is unforgivable. Be grateful that they are defending your life and your freedom, and don't lose sight of why you fell in love with them in the first place. They are worth waiting for. Semper Fi.

7. Waiting Game.
   The rest is simply waiting it out. Keep going on with your life and realize that they'll be home soon. Think of it as any other job and remember that the truth is that you can't make him/her come home any sooner than I or the man at the grocery store can. There's nothing you can do about his deployment now and what happens will happen with you being your soldier's soldier and holding down the home or with you laying in bed everyday closed out to the world. It's best to be able to be strong when he calls instead of make him feel worse about having to leave. Deployments are just a matter of keeping busy, keeping your mind of the bad, and looking into the sunlight. Get all the support you can online and with other family/friends going through the same exact thing. Don't let yourself fall into a rut and just be proud that you are so close to someone who has the courage to fight for your family's freedom and be proud that you have the courage to stand behind them.

Tips & Warnings

• Don't only be optimistic generally, but specifically when you talk to your soldier. Focus on the happy things in life and they'll feel better too.
• Never bring up life-changing news during a deployment.
• Think of it as a job. He/she has a job to do to protect you and the world. Make it as easy as possible for them by reminding them how much you love them.
• Stay connected. It'll make the transition back into the home much easier and besides, you just want to know how your soldier is doing!
• Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
• I try not to watch the news. 9 times out of 10 the news is not accurate and just causes you to dwell. Try clear as much as possible. Don't be mad if you ask your soldier things and he's not allowed to answer though (sometimes even where they are or where they're going.) It's the same reason why it's not in the news: to protect themselves.
• Transitions back into the home can be very difficult. This is not saying that every soldier's will be, but some are. Difficulty communicating is common. Many times the soldier that first experienced difficulty communicating will open up after he feels safe with you again and you remind him that you are still there for him and are never leaving. Again, do not take it personally if he does not want to talk. He'll do it on his own terms.
• If you do experience difficulty communicating to an unbearable degree, always consider counseling at your soldier's base.
• If you are in any sort of immediate danger, do not wait to call 911. As much as I hate saying it, people change after traumatize events. Do NOT base your judgements on what he/she will do on the type of person they were before deployment. Act as soon as you feel necessary.

Resources

• Additional Deployment Information
• Family Deployment Checklist
• Family Deployment Organization List

[jabrown311]

on 10/12/2009 You article was great. I am a "new" army girlfriend, 9 months in and he is deploying to Iraq in January with almost 20 years of service in. I am scared to death and can use all the help I can get. It's hard being a girlfriend and not a spouse it seems as if you don't really count. I would love to have the web address for the theme care packages you mentioned. Thanks for the good info.

[sgtmajor]

on 9/23/2009 EXCELLENT article. I was floored to see no comments, no recommendations, since you wrote this in July. I'm an Army Mom with an Army Mom support group, and you have listed some excellent advice for any member who has a service member deploying! Thank you, and may God bless you for your support, dedication, and your faithfulness to those you love! Keeping your brother and bf in my prayers.