Things You'll Need:
- Self Control
- Determination
- Patience
- Understanding
- Guts
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Step 1
Sarcastic squinty eyes and smirk are hallmark givaways.Identify the Jerk. First you will need to make sure that you are dealing with a genuine jerk. They aren't difficult to spot if you know a few of the characteristics to look for. Jerks come in all shapes and sizes, so there are no actual physical characteristics to spot. You can however tell by their behavior what they are made of.
1. Jerks tend to talk loudly
2. Jerks tend to drink too much
3. Jerks tend to drive cars they can't afford
4. Jerks tend to lie to make themselves look good and others bad
5. Jerks tend to take credit for others' hard work
6. Jerks tend to be inflexible when working with others.
7. Jerks tend to say very nice things, sarcastically
8. Jerks tend to talk poorly of others behind their backs
9. Jerks tend to intimidate others
10. Jerks tend to interrupt others
If you see your prospective jerk doing 2 or 3 of the things on this list, you are probably dealing with a certifiable, authentic, jerk. -
Step 2
Empathize. The easy part is over. Now it's time for you to do something about the offensive person you've identified as a jerk. The rest of what you read here in this how to article will seem counter intuitive. When you feel like punching him or her, you are going to say, "how are you doing?" Try to find out where the jerk is coming from in order to better understand his or her behaviors. Most people aren't just plain evil, they get to where they are from living life. Sometimes people pick up bad habits from years of abuse themselves, or they have had a rough life. You are not excusing their behavior, just simply learning. Here are tips to learn more about the "jerk."
1. Listen: The jerk has probably lost his or her audience long ago. by offering to listen, you may break through and become the one person who understands him or her.
2. Imagine yourself as the jerk: Now you are really empathizing. Think about what would make a person behave the way the jerk is behaving. You may catch yourself thinking things like, "nobody wants to be around me, so I push people even further away."
3. Pray for the jerk: Do you pray for your yourself, friends, family? Why not pray for the jerk? What do you have to loose? If you believe in a God that can perform miracles then give away some of that responsibility for justice you feel. While you're at it pray for wisdom to help you deal with the jerk. The bible definitely supports this advice. -
Step 3
Ask for a simple favor: This seems totally opposite of what you would want to do, but psychological studies prove this useful tool. Asking the jerk for a favor gives him or her a chance to snap out of it and be nice. If you get him or her to help you, then you will make progress. The jerk will think to himself, "If I didn't like this schmuck then why did I do a favor for him. This is a popular sales tactic. What do you have to lose?
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Step 4
Do a favor for the jerk: Asking for a favor and doing a good deed can both reap benefits in a poor relationship. Give this one a chance to change yours and his or her thinking. You may both be surprised at the outcome and look at your differences as strengths.
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Step 5
Talk about the jerk behind his or her back: This probably isn't what you're thinking. You're used to, "Did you see what the 'jerk' did today at the meeting?" This time you are going to spread the news about positive things the 'jerk' does. Don't say them to his or her face. A compliment to the face is minuscule compared to one through a third party. When it gets around to the jerk that you complimented him or her, you will have scored points that will likely outlive any negative gossip and are closer to getting along with the 'jerk.'
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Step 6
Communication StylesConfront the jerk: After you have tried all of the more passive approaches, which will likely be all you need for all but the most outrageous jerks, its time to get real. Many people think confrontation is a bad thing. Some don't realize what conflict can do for a relationship. Just resolving one conflict in an appropriate way can save you the trouble the rest of your life. Here are some tips for actively engaging the 'jerk.'
1. Avoid "you" statements. In other words, use the word "I" as much as possible in place of "you." The jerk will have less to argue with you about if you talk about how you feel, what you want, what you think.
"I would like you to stop tapping your pencil because it is bothering me" is much more effective than "You are ridiculous, can you get any more annoying? Why don't you just play a real drum set?"
When you use these more assertive "I statements" and less aggressive "you statements," you will give the jerk little ammo for rebuttal. If the jerk stoops to mocking you, then it is time to state your position and exit. "I understand you don't care. I'll be leaving now." Without an audience this is unlikely, and with an audience the jerk is likely to look like, well, you know, a jerk.
2. Stay on topic and in the present: Don't bring up something that the jerk did a year ago at a party; stay with the now. Use your assertive statement and make a simple request if you would like a change in his or her behavior.
3. Allow for face saving: The last thing that will help your relationship is trapping the jerk causing him or her to lie or get even more upset. Try allowing for some face saving with a statement like, "I figured you were probably joking, but I noticed you said you were late because you had a flat tire and I saw you at Burger King Monday morning." Then the jerk can say something like, "Yeah, I was kidding, but hey, it's our little secret, right?"
4. Be open and honest: People don't always realize what they are like. You probably have faults. Think of a couple of your faults and begin your conversation by admitting your responsibility in the matter. Use an approach like, "I know I yell sometimes and that I should not. I would like to have less yelling (at work, at home etc.) and I would like for you to let me know when I raise my voice. I am willing to try to do the same for you." -
Step 7
Drop the jerk and move on: If you try the above ideas and nothing is improving. You do not deserve abuse day after day. Forgive and let go for you own sake and just say goodbye. If the jerk is someone you cannot avoid, then you will have to set strict boundaries with him or her. Remember, no one deserves or should put up with being abused. Seek help if you are a victim of abuse. The real reason to forgive is to prevent your own anger from hurting you emotionally and physically. Built up anger is likely to cause more trouble for the angered than the target of the anger.
