How to Survive Marriage Infidelity

A bond in marriage is built on trust, compassion and love. Infidelity counteracts all of these relationship building blocks and threatens to destroy a marriage. However, two people who are willing to do the work to restore what has been lost can save a marriage from divorce.

Instructions

1. Get some distance away from your partner, so that you can think with a clear head. Visit a friend, family member or stay in a hotel. If your partner was the one who engaged in the infidelity, you are probably feeling a whirlwind of emotions. Heated arguments will further damage your relationship. There are many explanations for why one cheats. One is to actively engage in chaotic and self-destructive behavior. Take yourself out of the path of destruction getting some space.

2. Write about the events leading up to the infidelity. Both sides should keep a journal. Infidelity does not appear out of nowhere. Consider whether this action has been the culmination of a string of distrustful behaviors, disrespectful responses or ambivalence to the commitment. Also, list the good things about your partner to keep an even keel. Things are not usually black and white. Be honest with yourself about your boundaries, what you now expect, how you feel and if you want the relationship to work.

3. Talk to your partner is a neutral environment. Go to a park, restaurant or counselor's office. Do not choose a bar, friend's house or memorable place for the both of you. You do not want your mind to become cloudy. When discussing the event, use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. For example, "I feel this way" or "This event has caused me to feel..." It's easy for either person to be put on the defensive. If you have caused the infidelity, do not assume you know how your partner feels. Everyone is different and it does not make them feel any better to hear that you can relate to a problem that you caused.

4. Seek counseling. There are a plethora of marriage counselors that are skilled at handling infidelity. Ask you partner to go with you but also make separate appointments for yourself. Many women's centers offer a sliding scale payment for private sessions. If counseling doesn't fit in your budget,read books like "Infidelity: A Survival Guide" by Don-David Lusterman, "Surviving an Affair" by Willard F. Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers, and "Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy" by Frank Pittman.

5. Reestablish your own self-identity. This step is important for both parties. If the one who conducted the affair goes through life always feeling guilty, they will begin to resent the relationship. The wronged party must build self-confidence and create a social network. Learn to take care of yourself before working on the relationship.

6. Reconnect with your partner. Create new memories--take a trip, go on dates or share an interest. Rediscover why you fell in love with each other.

Tips & Warnings

• Get a HIV/AIDS and sexually transmitted disease test even if your partner insists they used protection. If you have kids, reassure them that they are loved despite the problems you are having with your spouse.

• Do not forgive until you are ready; you may not be ready for a long time.

References

• Surviving an Affair