How to Change Passive Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by passive resistance to an agreement or responsibility by appearing agreeable on the surface, while refusing or procrastinating to do something asked of you. If you or someone you are close to displays passive-aggressive traits, there are ways to acknowledge the behavior and work to change it.

Instructions

1. Write down a past experience that caused you to act in a passive-aggressive manner and include as many details as possible. Identify what the person said or did to make you feel angry or frustrated, how you responded and what the benefits were of avoiding a confrontation with that person. The point of this exercise is to understand when you are being passive-aggressive and unearth the root cause of the avoidance.

2. Express how you feel when conflict occurs. Part of passive-aggressive behavior is holding in your frustration and anger. Instead of smoothing over the issue, confront the person and tell them why you are upset. Be open and honest with the person and allow them to express how they feel as well.

3. Once you and the other person have a chance to express how you feel, work together to brainstorm possible solutions of the issue. When you come to an agreement, be sure your actions are consistent with how you feel. If you are not really satisfied with the outcome, say something. A necessary part of changing your passive-aggressive behavior is verbalizing how you feel without fear of rejection or anger.

4. If someone you know is being passive-aggressive with you, it is important that you point out their behavior when it happens. Let them know their actions and their words are not in agreement and gently ask how they honestly feel. It is important that the other person does not feel intimidated when speaking to you. Let the other person know it is okay to express negative feelings because it helps both of you understand how the other is feeling. As in Step 3, brainstorm possible solutions to the problem, and let the other person know if they are behaving in a way that shows that are not happy with the compromise.

Tips & Warnings

• It is important when speaking to someone who is passive-aggressive not to yell, as it may cause them to refuse to open up in fear of being rejected.

References

• LiveStrong
• The New York Times; Oh, Fine, You're Right. I'm Passive-Aggressive; Benedict Carey; November 2004