How to Keep your Mother-In-Law out of your Marriage
For better or worse, when you marry your spouse, you marry your spouse's entire family. You must respect those familial ties that were in place long before you came along -- but if your relationship with your in-laws is going to be successful, they must also respect the union that binds your and their loved one together. It is up to you and your spouse to work together to set boundaries for your in-laws and make sure that they are honored. Often, the most dire need for imposing such boundaries arise from difficulties with a mother-in-law.
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Instructions
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Decide appropriate boundaries with your spouse. You may agree to forbid unannounced visits or limit visits to weekends or holidays. You might decide that she won't live in your home as her health grows frail, but instead in the best nursing home you can afford. Have a marriage counselor mediate if you need help determining fair boundaries.
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Keep your spouse happy and satisfied. That is, refrain from giving your mother-in-law any legitimate fuel for her fire. Some mother-in-laws stick their noses in couples' business because they have genuine reason for concern. Agree with your spouse to communicate openly with one another -- not your mothers -- whenever either of you are displeased with your relationship.
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Identify your mother-in-law's true motives or concerns. She may be lonely, sad about losing her "baby," desperate for attention, feeling undervalued and unneeded, or just downright vicious by nature. It may seem like she's out to get you or break up your marriage, but there may be underlying issues at work. Making an effort to understand them can help humanize her and inform the best way to give her what she needs without letting her get to you.
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Give yourself the upper hand by using past experiences to plan ahead for encounters with your mother-in-law. Anticipate tactics she may employ and fodder she may exploit to irk you, and prepare in advance responses that will be both appropriate and effective. Appropriate responses maintain conveyance of respect for the woman who brought your spouse into this world. Effective responses refrain from satisfying any ill motives behind offensive behaviors.
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Reinforce your boundaries by addressing your issues head-on if her offenses continue. Express yourself calmly, tactfully and specifically. Tell her that although you know she meant no harm, it really bothers you when she takes over in the kitchen during her visits -- or whatever offense she has committed.
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Sit down together with your spouse and engage your mother-in-law in a serious discussion if her offenses still don't cease. Firmly discuss your boundaries, their basis and any consequences you may impose if she won't respect them. For instance, if she continues to ignore your rules for the children, they will no longer be allowed to spend the weekend at her house. Your mother-in-law wants to be a part of your life and she won't want to threaten her place in it altogether by continuing to disrespect your union.
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References
- "Woman's Day"; Dealing with a Difficult Mother-in-Law; Kimberly Fusaro; January 2010
- The Marriage Counseling Blog; Is Your Mother-In-Law Driving You Crazy? Marriage Counseling Can Help Couples Set Boundaries; April 2009
- "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dealing with In-Laws"; Laurie E. Rozakis, Ph.D.; 1998
- Dr. Phil: Managing Your In-Laws
- SheKnows; How to Deal with Your Mother-in-Law - Surviving and Thriving; Wendy T. Behary; October 2008
- Photo Credit Ryan McVay/Stockbyte/Getty Images
