How to Deepen Intimacy: Intimate Questions to Ask Your Partner

Intimate questions to ask your partner can deepen your relationship and give you a greater sense of connection. Too many relationships stay on the surface of life and talk about the dishes, trash, and bills without ever sharing the heart and soul of their lives.

Follow these steps and questions to plunge your relationship into deeper and deeper intimacy.

Difficulty:

Moderate

Instructions

1. 

   ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT FEELINGS AND NEEDS.

   Any marriage counselor worth their salt will help a married couple work on communication about feelings and needs to deepen their marriage. Consider some of these questions even if you are not married:

   - Can you give me a few emotion words to describe your day today?
   - What is the most powerful feeling you have had this week?
   - Are there any needs (security, belonging, freedom, etc.) that you have in life that aren't being met right now?

   Make up your own questions but target feelings and needs not opinions or judgments. Practice sharing feelings and needs without making judging statements.

2. ASK INTIMATE QUESTIONS ABOUT DREAMS AND DESIRES.

   Dreams and desires often drive our emotions. When they are unfulfilled, our relationships will become more and more shallow and distanced out of resentment. Try some of these questions:

   - What are you hoping to see happen in your career in the next ten years?
   - Are there any dreams in your life that are unfulfilled?
   - What do you want to see happen in our relationship in the next few months?

3. ASK INTIMATE QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE.

   Most couples don't talk enough about their sexual intimacy. Talk about your sex life together in intimate moments. Just be sure to speak carefully to each other as this is a very tender and sensitive subject.

   - What are some things you enjoy most about our sex life?
   - Is there anything I do when we are intimate that really makes you feel good?
   - What could I do when we are having sex to help you enjoy it more?
   - Is there something you are desiring sexually that I can help fulfill?

4. 

   ASK INTIMATE QUESTIONS ABOUT DISAPPOINTMENT AND PAIN.

   When you venture into the realms of pain you are liable to uncork difficult issues and tears. Determine ahead of time to never judge, mock, or tease your partner about their pain. Ask these questions to go deeper:

   - Are there any painful memories in life that you haven't shared with me?
   - Have I done or said anything lately that hurt you even if I didn't mean to hurt you?
   - What are you disappointed with in life right now?
   - What are your most difficult relationships?

5. 

   PRACTICE ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS.

   It is absolutely crucial for your relationship to practice good listening skills while asking these questions. (See related article on this page for detailed instructions on listening.) Otherwise, the practice will be absolutely counterproductive. When you use these intimate questions to ask your partner, also practice these skills:

   - Make good eye contact and give complete attention.
   - Give reflective feedback such as 'uh huh' or 'I can understand that.'
   - Summarize the emotions or desires your partner shared and ask 'did I hear you right?' or some other clarifying question.

   See tips and warnings below for more as well as related articles on this page.

Tips & Warnings

• Take a few minutes of every day and ask one of these questions. It's okay to be completely upfront about it.

• Put intimate questions in a card box, and when you have a few moments have each partner draw a card to ask.

• Avoid personal attacks or accusations. Focus on your own feelings, needs, desires, and dreams.

• Don't allow yourself to become defensive and angry simply because your partner has negative feelings. See the problem as something you can both own and work on together. YOU are not the problem.