How to Work Out Financial Differences in a Relationship

You are a spender; your sweetheart is a saver. You want to take a vacation to the Mediterranean to celebrate your 7-year anniversary; your sweetheart wants to get new windows in the house to save money on your heat bill next winter. You want to dine out at the new restaurant everybody has been raving about; your sweetheart wants to stay home to finish the leftovers in the refrigerator. You talk about buying a new car and your sweetheart's eyes roll. Your sweetheart suggests you take the bus to work and your eyes roll. Is there hope for a couple with differing ideas about money management? Like most disagreements that arise in a relationship, it isn't the fact that you have different ideas that makes or breaks your relationship, but the way you deal with those differences that matters. It is my hope that these tips help you begin to work through the financial differences that may arise in your relationship.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

1. Talk. It's surprisingly simple and seemingly obvious, but many couples don't even do this much. You cannot work through your financial differences on mute, so open your mouth and start the conversation. If you're not sure where to begin, try saying something like, "Sweetie, do you think you and I have the same ideas about money?" Let the conversation go from there, but don't feel as though you must come up with a solution or meet on the same page right away. This is not the time to debate or try to convince your partner that your views are "right." Instead, use your first conversations as time to share and explore your views on money.

2. Be patient. If the two of you are inexperienced at talking about money, the conversations may be uncomfortable, clumsy or explosive at first. Be patient with your partner and yourself--and keep practicing! The more discussions you have, the more natural those discussions will become.

3. Take financial ownership together. Dr. Kathleen Gurney, psychologist, financial educator and founder of the Financial Psychology Corporation, advises couples, "Take equal responsibility for managing your money so both of you are informed. For example, if one person routinely pays the bills, the other should file the paid invoices."

4. Create "Yours," "Mine," and "Ours" accounts. Have joint accounts that you each contribute to for the family necessities and for future savings. Keep what's left over in separate accounts. That way you can spend or save some money as you please without a discussion over every penny.

5. Dig deeper. Money differences often arise from differing lifestyle ideals and desires. As you and your partner discuss your money, also discuss your core values. Not sure how to begin discussing your core values? Start with questions such as, "What kind of person do I want to be?" "How do I hope my friends, family and coworkers describe me when I’m not in earshot?" "Is my life in sync with my deepest core values?" "What secret dreams am I squelching?" "What do I want my legacy to be when I leave this planet?" Ask these questions of yourself and your sweetheart. Be open and compassionate with both your responses.

6. Get perspective. Along with your partner, visit the website globalrichlist.com (see Resources below). There you will quickly be able to discover where your income ranks in terms of the rest of the world’s population. It is my guess that you will find yourself at the very top. If you have clean water and money to cover your basic needs (FYI: healthy food is a need, but a daily latte is not), you are extremely fortunate. Arguing about how to use expendable income is a luxury. And, if you really think about it, it’s an extremely spoiled, irresponsible, soulless luxury. Acknowledge your wealth, be grateful for your wealth and begin viewing your income in terms of the wider world population.

7. Spend responsibly. As Rachel Anderson, director of the Boston Faith & Justice Network that leads small group programs for couples and individuals hoping to incorporate their spiritual beliefs with their money practices, told "The Christian Science Monitor" last February: "How we choose to spend our money--there are many justice issues there and room for change to steward Earth's resources better and alleviate poverty." Are you and your partner helping or hurting the planet and your fellow humans with the way you choose to spend your money? Discuss this topic with your sweetheart, move beyond your individual fights and put your focus on the larger implications of your spending.

8. Spend less, kiss more. Your relationship in and of itself should be a source of joy, excitement and comfort. You and your partner shouldn’t be dependent upon activities that require you to consume goods or spend money in order to have fun and feel connected. If you are, it is definitely time to give new attention to your relationship.

Resources

• Learn More About Kathleen Gurney, Ph.D
• Christian Science Monitor

[karileighk]

on 6/30/2009 Aw, the number 8 tip made me smile. After all - who doesn't enjoy a good kiss instead of spending money? *5 and Rec.