How to Pill a Pet (birds, reptiles, and fish excepted)

When it came time for my family to acquire a dog, we children were not consulted. Our parents chose a dachshund ("Everyone Loves Doxies" was the breeder's motto, as if by saying so he could turn the tide of quasi-racist, "sausage-dog" sentiment still going strong decades after D-Day), chiefly, I suspect, because they figured that a small as well as low-slung, short-haired breed would be easier on the pocketbook and the furniture than, say, a Borzoi or a puli. They did not consider the fact that a dachshund is, in effect, a freak of breeding, and couldn't have been designed better if back trouble was what you were hunting for; so what they saved on upholstery and dog chow they lost, when Putzi broke his back; nor did they expect such a little critter to be capable of biting through heavyweight work gloves when the wearer thereof attempted to shove a liverwurst-wrapped pill down his gullet. If only they had known what I am about to tell you!

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• A smidgen of butter or margarine, -- or goose fat (a courteous afterthought of mine aimed at those of you living in northern Yurp); a teaspoon; the pill.

1. Crush the pill with the back of the teaspoon.

2. Blend the crushed pill with the butter, margarine, or goose fat.

3. Smear this blob on the muzzle of the problematic pet. Don't ask permission beforehand; and don't apologize afterwards; instead, avoid eye contact with him/her and go wash your fingers.

Tips & Warnings

• If you're dealing with an ailing cat, paws are an alternative destination; in fact, the blob is going to get ingested only after much paw- tongue interaction, cats having higher standards than their nemeses when it comes to personal hygiene. If the cat seems ready to remind you that his/her retractable claws aren't just for show (or for destroying the upholstery), try doing like a mother cat with an errant kitten, and lift him/her by the scruff of the neck. My last cat would instantly conk out, slack-jawed and slack-limbed, and remain conked out until I released my grip and she returned to her old self, unaltered but for the tasty blob on her nose and a faint suspicion that her dignity had been toyed with during her absence.
• Owners of fish who try this technique need (need I say) to have their heads examined. Owners of birds and reptiles who take my title as a provocation, or even just a challenge, do so without my thumbs up, because they may end up without their thumbs.