How to Plan a Conservative Jewish Funeral
Jewish funerals are considered a "Life Cycle" event. Other Life Cycle events include birth, bar/bat mitzvah, confirmation and marriage. Many of the traditions come from the ancient ancestors of the Jews and were modified to fit into the lives of Jews living in shtetls in Europe. The Conservative and Reform movements have made changes to accommodate modern lifestyles. This article focuses on funerals in the Conservative movement.
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Things You'll Need
- Guardian (shomer or shomerim)
- Rabbi
- Funeral director
- Cemetery plot
- Casket (aron)
- Pall bearers
Instructions
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Contact a rabbi before any other plans are made (if you have not made previous arrangements). The rabbi will oversee the ceremony, making sure rituals are in accordance with the laws of the Torah. He can also advise you on funeral directors.
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Since the deceased is no longer living, it is considered disrespectful to delay burying the body. Jewish law states that the body should be buried on the same day as death, but Conservative Jews may wait a few days to allow family and friends from out of town to arrive and pay their respects. (Funerals should not be held on Shabbat or other holidays.) Appoint a guardian, called a Shomer, before burial. The body should not be left alone before burial. The deceased is buried in a simple wooden casket, known as an aron.
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Decide what to put on the tombstone. It is customary to include the deceased's English and Hebrew name. Inscriptions may also include the name of the father of the deceased and birth and death dates (in Hebrew and English). Names of children and spouses may be included (in English or Hebrew) if desired.
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Discuss with the rabbi the burial procedure. For example, customs vary for placing dirt on the casket. Every member of the congregation may have the opportunity to do so or a single individual may be designated. Make sure this is solidified before the funeral.
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Do not cremate the body. It is against Jewish law. The body is to be cleansed by the funeral director according to a special ritual. Arrangements for this step should be made ahead of time. If your funeral director cannot perform this task, contact your local conservative chevra kadisha, a group of men and women who prepare the dead for burial. Chevra kadishas are usually affiliated with a synagogue.
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Find the deceased's Tallit (prayer shawl). This will be placed over the body with one corner ripped away to signify that he or she will no longer be praying in life.
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Encourage family and friends to send donations to the deceased's favorite charity or a cause he or she cared about in life. It is not customary for Jews to send flowers.
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Decide where to hold the ceremony. It is proper for it to be held in a synagogue, a funeral home or at the graveside.
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Do not prepare any extra "frills" for the funeral such as songs or stories. These are considered disrespectful to the deceased and are best kept for private parties honoring the deceased at a later date.
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Appoint someone to recite the Kaddish, the traditional mourner's prayer. Usually it is the son or daughter; however, if the deceased did not have any children, another family member or close friend may be appointed.
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Ask a friend, family member or rabbi to delivery a eulogy (known as a hesped). The services should be short (less than half an hour) and in addition to the eulogy, contain traditional prayers and the Kaddish.
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Appoint pall bearers. They will carry the casket to the grave and stop seven times along the way. All mourners will follow them to the grave.
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Tear a k'riah, a hole in your garment, before the funeral begins. The family will tear a hole on the left side, above the heart, indicating the deep loss they feel. Friends and distant family will tear a hole over the right side of their chest. This is a physical reminder of the pain felt inside. Although Orthodox custom dictates that you must tear your clothing, in a conservative ceremony, you can cut a necktie, wear a black button or wear a piece of black ribbon. The k'riah ceremony can take place privately with the funeral director before the funeral.
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Tips & Warnings
Remember to take time to mourn and join a grief support group if necessary. Share stories of your loved one and say Kaddish on the anniversary of his or her death. Loss in Judaism is considered a community event. Lean on your friends and family during this difficult time.
While the custom may have been different in the past, a victim of suicide can be buried in a Jewish cemetery. The death is considered the result of a mental disease.
