How to Not Act Around Children of Divorce

Fifty percent of today's children will experience parental divorce by the age of seventeen. Many struggle emotionally years later. Most hope continually for reconciliation. Worst of all many chilren are put in the middle of the conflict and experience intense bitterness between their divorced parents even years after the divorce. More than half feel rejection by at least one parent. Children often grow up struggling with fear of commitment.

Helping these children to grow through pain is the key to healing and it takes parents' ongoing commitment.

Long custody disputes or pressure on a child to "choose" sides can be particularly harmful for the youngster and can add to the damage of the divorce. Research shows that children do best when parents can cooperate on behalf of the child.

Many times one parent will not put the child first. What is the other parent to do?

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• A good self help book to help you get through the pain of divorce
• A lot of one and one time with your child/children
• Supportive friends to lean on
• A great deal of courage

1. 
    
   Divorce

   DON'T put down your children's other parent. No matter what sort of ill feelings you harbor towards the parent of your children, I cannot stress enough how important it is to their welfare, that you do not speak badly about their mother/father. The ex-spouse is not there to be "hurt" by your words but your children are. It affects their self esteem and causes undo stress when their own flesh and blood mother/father is such a "horrible person". It amazes me to have a mother tell me she loves her children so much and then hear her turn around and talk badly about her ex-husband to her children.

2. 
    
   Keep Emotions in Check

   DON'T bring yourself down to the level of your ex-spouse. If your ex-spouse will not stop talking badly about you then there is not much you can do about it other then trying to win more physical custody time and some good conversation with your child/children. Explain to them that their parent should not be saying untrue things and that no matter what you will not talk badly about that parent. It may take quite awhile but eventually your child will come to realize who the "bigger" parent is. Believe me,they will respect you so much more down the road then they do their other parent. It will also teach them about the correct way of acting in any other similar situations that may arise in their lives.

3. 
    

   DON'T start dating again right away. Take a minimum of one year off. A new boyfriend/girlfriend will take up too much of your time right now, and your children don't need more changes taking place in their lives until they adjust. This rule also benefits the parent who without realizing it is most likely in a "rebound" frame of mind. And don't claim that you just met your "soul mate" within a month of you and your spouse splitting up so how in the world should you be expected to wait? I don't buy it.

4. DON'T incorporate and involve a new boyfriend/girlfriend into the lives of your children no matter how long you have been single unless there is a good chance of marriage in the future. I had one friend who within a week of meeting a "new guy" (aka The One!) would have him at her house helping her kids with their homework! Six months later it would be another "The One" helping with the children's homework.

5. DON'T have boyfriends spending the night. Your children are confused enought as it is. It may be difficult to have overnight alone time with the man in your life but "oh well" that is just the way it is. My sons are thirteen and fourteen and they have yet to wake up in the morning and see a man in my kitchen whipping up bacon and eggs.

6. 
    
   Be Upbeat

   DON'T put the opposite sex down no matter how bitter you may feel. If you are a woman raising "little men", putting men down puts your sons down. You also don't want your daughters to dislike men before they even get a chance to know any! And the same to you fathers.

Tips & Warnings

• DO assure your children that they did nothing to cause the breakup of your marriage.
• DO say "I love you" every single day. It is very important that your children know that no matter what they do wrong they are loved unconditionally.
• DO tell them how proud you are of them. Nothing will make a child shine more than being told that they have make you proud.
• DO discipline your children. Be consistant with discipline. Say what you mean and do what you say. Lose the guilt and start parenting!
• DO NOT overindulge. Many parents do this out of guilt. Children are smart. They will take advantage the first chance they get.
• DO NOT expect boys to be "little men" and take over adult responsibilities.
• DO NOT offer too little information about the divorce because their imaginations tend to think that things are worse than they are in reality.
• DO NOT have the child carry messages between parents.
• DO NOT make the child feel that they need to choose who should have their allegiance.
• DO NOT neglect the child because of the your pain.

Resources

• Children of Divorce - Successful Healing
• Dating and Children - What a Mix!
• Parent & Child Contract
• Unique Custom Written Book for Your Child