Things You'll Need:
- Patience
- To be assertive
- To set up boundaries
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Step 1
Well it happened to me and has happened before and will happen again. I am sure you too have had this situation arise. A friend calls me a few weeks ago, a friend that is as close as family to me, and she tells me she is coming for a visit. Notice I say she TELLS me not asks me. As I too have visited her often with the expectation of staying at her home I oblige. She arrives and immediately my blood starts to boil. Clearly I adore her like family, but the demands are too much. Every morning she wants her coffee and wants it made for her. Every night she sits herself on the sofa and awaits her dinner to be cooked and then after outright asks for her dessert--in other words for me to make it. In the middle of watching a movie she wants a cup of tea and has no problem asking. When I ask her to do small things her reply is that she is on vacation. So how do I deal with this? How do any of us deal with this?
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Step 2
First I did take it, accepted it, was even gracious about it. But after 5 days with 6 more to come I had to put my foot down but did not know how. Nobody writes about this and when they do it is usually some "Ms Manners" who tells you how to be rude. You do not want to alienate friends or family but at the same time you do not want to be a doormat either. The balance is tricky and to be able to tactfully express yourself is even more difficult when you are boiling over with resentment and emotions.
My first step was to step back. I needed to put everything into perspective. Was I over reacting? Was I being too sensitive? Was I about to be rude? After examining my own motives and my own feelings and also looking at whether I behaved the same way when I visited her I realized I needed to take action. So in what way would I take action and how would I breach the topic? -
Step 3
My strategy initially was to confront her and ask her to do some things on her own which at the time she was demanding of me to do for her. I realized quickly though that if I were to confront her I would likely blow up and that would not end well. So instead I decided to turn the tables back on her. Each time she would ask for something I would use sarcastic humor to rebut her. For example when she asked where her coffee was (I am not a coffee drinker) I simply turned and said, "In the kitchen cabinet--you have hands." Likewise when she asked for tea, dessert and dinner I simply told her where to get these things in a half-joking sarcastic manner. Soon she was doing things on her own.
Clearly this does not work for everyone nor will this suffice. There have been times when people come and do not leave. This is certainly distressing for most of us who are not accustomed to having to ask people to do things such as LEAVE when it is not comfortable for us. BUT this is a reality we all may have to face at one point or another. To breach this subject you need to have a lot of sensitivity toward the person and their situation. Once you have searched your soul and also decided what you want to do you need to be assertive and sit your guest down and let them know where you stand. To say something is hard but remember to not say something will only make resentments fester and cause you to hate your guest. Sometimes friendships are saved by a little tough love!
