How to Dress and Act Properly at a Funeral, Wake, or Memorial Service

Funerals and wakes are all about the deceased and their closest family members. You (other relatives, friends, and acquaintances of the deceased and his or her family) are there to show respect, love, and support. In your supportive role then, dress and act the part.

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

1. Dress appropriately. For men, dark suits and understated ties.
   For women, the basic black dress is o.k., but not absolutely necessary. This is a solemn event, so dress accordingly - no cleavage, miniskirts, jeans, etc. Dress as you would for church - but skip anything excessive. Wear simple, tasteful clothing and jewelry (e.g., a string of pearls, simple earrings). No loud plaids or wildly printed dresses or shirts. Also, clanking bracelets or belts or mountains of necklaces or flashy rings and earrings (even though they might be in style) are not in good taste for these occasions. If in doubt about any piece of your wardrobe or any accessory, change it or take it off. Understated is better. You are in a supportive role -- don't wear anything that calls attention to yourself. Children should also be dressed in church attire - no black, of course, but nice dresses for the girls and sports jackets or at least button-down shirts for the boys and long pants.
   
   Note: Sometimes family members specifically request that the funeral/wake/memorial service be a celebration of the deceased's life and ask guests to wear something colorful - of course, go along with family requests.

2. Show love and respect for the deceased and their family. You may be suffering, too, but this is their time. Read the obituary to find the time and place of the service and preferred memorials. Decide if you should send flowers or a memorial donation. Sometimes a favorite charity is listed for donations in lieu of flowers. Many times you can make these memorial donations online. If the deceased was Catholic, Mass cards are available online (Google "Catholic Mass Cards" and any number come up). You'll need the name and address of the family for either of these, as both will notify the family of your donation. You can also bring cards to the service and either leave with other cards or give to a family member of the deceased.

3. Identify yourself and your relationship to the deceased when you are in the receiving line if family members don't know you by sight. Greet each family member with a handshake or hug and simply say "I'm so sorry for your loss." You can add "He was a great guy - we're all going to miss him." or "She was such a wonderful person - we're all going to miss her." The family is grieving and is glad to hear that their loved one meant something to you --- please don't take this time to tell them that you understand how they feel, that things happen according to God's plan, that God wanted the deceased in heaven, that things happen for a reason, that you're prostrate with grief, that your mother died, too, etc., etc. Also - do not ask anything about the deceased's manner of death - how long they had been sick, where they died, who was there, etc., etc. This is family information. If they begin this conversation, fine - let them talk. If they ask you a question, respond, but keep it about the deceased, not about you and your feelings. Also - don't hold up the line if people are waiting behind you.

4. Leave a wake after you've spoken to family members, and stayed in the background a few minutes. Leave quietly and respectfully. Be sure to sign the guest book so that the family has your name and address. At funerals and memorial services, if you are not invited to the gravesite or luncheon, leave quietly after the service. Most likely, you are going to run into people you know. This is not the time for high-fives, loud conversation, and laughter (exception: Irish wakes). Out of respect for mourners, go outside to continue your conversation.

5. Write a note or send a card to the family of the deceased after a few weeks. Here is the time to relate a story about their loved one that they might not know -- to write about how much he or she is missed at work or on the golf team or wherever.

6. Don't forget about the family after the service --- grieving people need their relatives and friends more after the services are over. Stay in touch. Bring dinners - send cards - make plans to get together - invite them out. Be patient as they grieve. Treat them as you would like to be treated in that situation.

[norealid]

on 8/1/2009 I have to go to a memorial service today. This article has been very helpful. Thank you!