How to Perform the Dating Dance

People often refer to dating as "a game." I am not a fan of this metaphor, because it leads us to believe that dating has rules, strategies and perhaps even a bit of calculated manipulation. And if we follow the game metaphor to its logical conclusion, it implies that the end result of dating is one winner and one loser. This is a problem. The point of dating is not to compete (although sometimes it might feel as if you are competing with the entire world in order to win dates). Rather, the point of dating is to unite with another person, to connect, to learn, to grow, to enjoy each other, to play, and--if you're lucky--to create something spectacular. This is why I prefer to describe dating as a dance as opposed to a game. When done well, a dance feels as beautiful to perform as it does to watch. Partner dancing, however, does not come naturally to most people. To become good at dancing, you must practice; to become good at dating, you must practice. Let these tips inspire you to do just that--so you can become an expert at the dance of dating.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

1. Lose your agenda. If you set out on the dating process determined to attain a specific goal--finding a life partner, getting laid at the end of the night--you have already missed the point of dating. Dating, like dancing, is about two people uniting and working together to create an enjoyable experience. It is certain that the two of you will not agree entirely about what constitutes an ideal conversation, an ideal date, an ideal relationship or an ideal life. This is why you must lose your agenda. Dating is a journey of two people. Be open to this journey. It will be different than you expect, so be willing to let go of your individual preferences and steadfast ideals.

2. Notice the energy. I once had a guy cook me dinner at his house for our second date. Upon arriving at his place, I knocked at his door and when he answered the door, he immediately kissed me. I’m talking about a big, huge, tongue-and-all kind of kiss. This was our first kiss and it came in a completely unexpected fashion. And when I say unexpected, I mean it unexpected in a negative way. His kiss was not a welcome surprise, and if he had been paying attention to the energy between us, he would have known that I was not ready for a kiss. Instead, he ignored the energy and forced his own agenda upon me. I left, certain that I did not ever want to see (or kiss) him again. How do you notice energy? It’s simple: pay attention!

3. Step forward, step back. While dancing, if one partner steps forward, the other partner steps back. This makes it possible for the two people to move together as a unit, because if they didn’t move this way, they would collide right into each other. This same idea can also apply to relationships. Have you ever noticed that when one person comes forward with a show of loving emotion, the other person pulls back emotionally? I’m not sure why this is exactly, but I do know that it is true. It seems to be the natural rhythm of how we relate: one person comes forward, the other person pulls back, and then the other person comes forward and the first person pulls back. It’s the relationship dance in action. If you see the person you are dating pull back when you show interest, stand still. Don’t freak out. But don’t keep moving forward either, because if you do, you are certain to chase him or her away. Step forward, then stop and allow the other person time and space to make the next move.

4. Take turns leading and following. Each of you should have an opportunity to be in charge of the direction of your relationship. Take charge sometimes and allow your partner to take charge at other times.

5. Imagine you are performing for an audience. I am an avid swing dancer, and have noticed that whenever I imagine that I am performing in front of an audience, I am a better dancer. When I imagine that I am being watched, I am more focused and give better energy to each moment of the dance. Apply this idea to dating. Imagine there is a television audience watching your every move. Would you be comfortable or embarrassed with the way you are behaving in your dating relationships? Chances are if you behave with honor, compassion and honesty, you will never be ashamed of your behavior and you will be a better dater.

6. Dance. If you don’t know how to partner dance, take lessons! Tango, salsa, swing, waltz--anything! Learning how to dance will teach you about yourself and about relating to others. Dancing helps us learn about relationships in a ways that have nothing to do with the mind and everything to do with that inexplicable energy that draws two people together--or repels them apart.

7. Exit gracefully. More often then not, dates lead nowhere. Most dating relationships do not blossom into full-fledged, lifelong partnerships. When your dating relationship comes to an end--whether you’re the one doing the breaking up or the one being broken up with--be kind, gracious and quick. Take your final dip, leave the floor and find yourself a new partner.