How to Detect an Abusive Relationship

A relationship is between two people only, no matter what kind of relationship it is. That's what makes judging other people's relationships so difficult and often unfair, because we aren't actually in the relationship and we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. However, abusive relationships do tend to have certain predictable patterns and abusers do have such predictable behaviors that it is possible to make judgments.

Instructions

1. Look for isolation. Abusers tend to isolate their victims from their friends and family. It may even seem romantic that they spend so much time alone together, at least at first. But healthy couples have independent interests, too.

2. Check self-esteem. Abusers systematically lower the self-esteem of their victims, often before the actual physical abuse starts. The put-downs may start off subtly, but with time they become devastating. In healthy relationships, couples praise each other most of the time.

3. Examine control. Abusers are very controlling. They dictate who their partners can talk to, what they can wear, where they can go, even what they can do. They will call many times a day to check that their partners are doing what they are supposed to be doing.

4. Think about responsibility. Abusers do not take responsibility for their own feelings and behavior. If they get angry and break something, they will blame their partners for making them so angry. If they fail a test, they will blame the teacher and not the fact that they didn't study.

5. Look at the partner. Victims in abusive relationships may use clothing and/or makeup to cover bruises. They may suddenly claim to have become very clumsy and tell stories about walking into doors. They will lose their self-confidence, independence and happiness.

Tips & Warnings

• If you suspect someone you know is in an abusive relationship, be as non-judgmental as possible while offering your support.

• Abusers can often be very charming and be very, very sorry after committing physical or emotional violence. But they will not change without professional help and it is never the victim's fault.