How to Forgive: A Step By Step Guide

Learning to forgive is an art as much as a science. It is a habit, a way of living, an attitude more than a one time act. Here is a step by step guide to help you learn to forgive and make forgiving in a healthy way a lifestyle you practice.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

1. 
    

   UNDERSTAND THE DEPTH OF YOUR HURT.
   
   You cannot forgive someone any deeper than you understand your hurt. If you say casually 'I forgive you' but fail to plumb the depths of that pain, it will reemerge and you will wonder why you feel bitter. This person hurt you. You need to know why it hurt and how deeply.
   
   Take a few moments and journal. Open a text file, or pull out a private journal. Write a letter you will never send to your offender. Tell them, without editing it or censoring it, how deeply you were hurt and the ways you were hurt.
   
   It is often here where the offender must wear an evil face in our mind. We have to face the depth of hurt.
   
   Many times a counselor or good friend can provide perspective and validation for how deep the hurt goes with an offense. Safe friends don't make molehills out of your mountains, or say that your emotional mole hills are insignificant. A mole hill on a putting green is a big deal.

2. 
    

   GRIEVE THE LOSS BEFORE YOU FORGIVE.
   
   You have to spend some time recognizing what was lost before you can truly move on to deep forgiveness. With some small offenses this step is only a brief fading moment... you lost a peaceful morning or a moment of joy. But for other times, this takes months. It depends on the depth of the hurt which is part of why you need to recognize the subtle depth of the wound.

3. TRY TO EMPATHIZE WITH YOUR OFFENDER.
   
   This is one of the most important and most difficult steps. Research done by Everett Worthington, the author of Forgiving and Reconciling, has shown that we are most motivated to forgive when we can empathize. This does not mean excusing or belittling what the person has done to you. On the contrary, it means trying to put a human face on their actions. Don't move to this step until you are ready!
   
   Imagine what could have made a human being, even you, do to someone else what they have done. Could they have been abused before? Could they have been deeply wounded by someone else? Could they have misunderstood the situation or acted in a way they did not intend? Are they insecure or somehow emotionally handicapped?
   
   Imagine you see a man snap at his children on the public transit. He raises his voice impatiently several times. You are angry at the way he treats the kids so when he sharply asks them to sit down and be still again, you confront him with a gentle 'They are very young, and it is hard to stay still on a ride like this.' He then apologizes and tells you he is coming back from the hospital where he lost his wife just three hours ago. He isn't himself he says.
   
   This is the power of empathy. Certainly it is still wrong to bark orders at children and take out our frustration, but we understand and can forgive.
   
   Consider journaling or brainstorming about what could have possibly motivated your offender. Try to find reasons that give her or him a human face.

4. DECIDE TO FORGIVE, EVENTUALLY.
   
   This is just a step, not the end. But when we decide to forgive we commit ourselves to a process that may take years. The decision itself though is a moral and beautiful choice that transcends 'should' or 'ought to' and lives in the realm of what is best, love. Choosing to forgive does not mean entering back into relationship necessarily. You can forgive those who have died, those who have left, and those who you should not be in communication with because of their abusive nature. But you can still choose to forgive.
   
   Write this down. When you choose to forgive you are making an emotional contract with yourself. If the wound is deep enough, write a contract with yourself and date it. Say you chose to forgive and will forgive this person no matter how long it takes.

5. 
    

   REPLACE ANGER WITH EMOTIONAL WARMTH IN ORDER TO FORGIVE.
   
   The heat of anger has to be let go. Your anger serves a purpose. It is intended to give you the fortitude to either confront or move apart from the offender. It gives you the emotional fortitude to draw boundaries and communicate hurt or offense. There comes a time though when holding onto anger turns sour. If you hold it for long it becomes an acid (sometimes literally) that corrodes.
   
   One person put it this way, being bitter is like burning down a house to kill a rat. The house is your own life and health.
   
   If you can focus on empathy, then you can begin to replace anger and heat with understanding and warmth. Work at having warm and sympathetic emotions. Even pity is better than anger. Sometimes pity is the best we can muster for those who hurt others deeply. I pity you, is better than I hate you.
   
   This is what forgiveness literature calls emotional forgiveness. Step three is the decision, step four is the emotion. This is a process, step three was a moment. Keep revisiting this article and this step as many times as you need to.

6. REMIND YOURSELF OF YOUR FORGIVENESS WHEN BITTERNESS RETURNS.
   
   Just because heated emotions return does not mean you failed to forgive. It simply means something triggered your thoughts, or you recognized a new layer of hurt or loss. Remember that you have chosen to forgive and that the emotional nature of forgiveness is a process. Give yourself grace and time.

Tips & Warnings

• Remember that forgiveness leans toward restored relationship but doesn't require it. Restored relationship requires a changed person in the offender. Draw appropriate levels of boundaries with repeat offenders.
• If the wound is deep find a trained counselor to help guide you through this process and provide a listening ear.
• Forgiveness is not a code word for being a door mat. We forgive once our anger has done its job by leading us to confront the person in a direct and loving way. They need to know they are hurting people. If the person proves to be incapable or unwilling to change then save your words and boundary your relationship.

Resources

• The Art of Forgiving by Lewis Smedes
• Forgiving and Reconciling, by Everett Worthington

[BellaCasa]

on 5/13/2009 Great advice on a hard topic.

[jujudy]

on 4/26/2009 Wise advice on forgiving others. I hope this article reaches many, because it could do a lot of good. 5*s.

[athome]

on 4/24/2009 Good article on forgivness.