How to Have the DTR Talk

You've been spending time with somebody you like and you have a pretty good feeling that this somebody likes you too. You have not yet talked about your relationship, however, and you are beginning to wonder if your new love interest, does in fact, feel the same as you. The "Define the Relationship" talk (referred to as the DTR) is often the first intimate conversation for two people who are dating. It can be scary and awkward. The DTR forces you both to be vulnerable and (hopefully!) honest, and has the potential to be a make-or-break moment for the relationship. If you feel that it is time for you and your new flame to have a frank talk about your relationship, follow these tips. Here's to an easy, enlightening and enlivening DTR talk!

Instructions

1. Ask yourself, "Can this wait any longer?" The mistake I see people make again and again (I'm guilty of this too) is being in a mad rush to classify their new relationships. We want to know where we stand today and where we are headed tomorrow. We want things neat and tidy and easy to understand. The truth is, however, relationships are messy and convoluted with a slow-growing life of their own. A relationship will define itself as the two people within it get to know one another. Instead of rushing to define your standing, try to observe and enjoy a little longer. If you pay attention, you will have all the information you need about the way your new crush feels about you.

2. Go into it with the right goal. The goal of your DTR should be more about creating a space where both of you can openly share your thoughts, feelings, hopes and concerns about the relationship, and less about coming away with a definitive decision about the label of your relationship. Your goal should be an open dialogue, not to hear that the other person feels the exact same way as you do at this exact moment.

3. Touch while you talk. Hold her hand. Cozy up to him on the couch. Physical connection will help you both feel more relaxed and united during your intimate conversation.

4. Begin with a question. If you start your DTR talk by spilling all of your feelings, you are likely to overwhelm the other person. Instead start by asking a question like, "I have been enjoying getting to know you over the past several weeks and I'm wondering how you are feeling about our time together?"

5. Be open and receptive to your new love interest's perspective. Try not to be devastated if he or she expresses a desire to move slower than you. Try not to be overwhelmed if he or she expresses a desire to move faster than you. Listen and take it all in before you react.

6. Be clear about where you stand. If it's the other person who is ready to move your relationship forward, but you are not, make sure to state this clearly so that you do not give him or her false hopes. If it's you who is ready to move forward, but the other person is not, make sure to be honest about your hopes. I don't believe in giving pushy, strict ultimatums, but I do believe in honestly stating what you need and remaining true to your desires.

7. Be forgiving of your foibles. Chances are good that both of you will flub your words. Talking about intimate subjects is difficult and they rarely run like a smooth movie script.

8. Continue to talk about it. Relationships are rarely sorted out through one conversation, but are continually defined and redefined as the relationship moves along.

9. Reflect. If your DTR talk goes as you had hoped, the two of you will come away energized and feeling confident that you are both on the same page. This is great and you can both continue moving forward together. If it doesn't go as you had hoped, you may be left feeling more confused than before. If this is the case, take time to reflect and seek perspective from friends and loved ones. After you've had time to think about it, you can decide how you will handle this budding (or dying) new love.