How to Grieve a Friend's Death

Mourning a Friend?

Grief and loss do not follow a step by step form. It rolls over us in unexpected and barely controllable waves of emotion. At times three or four powerful emotions tear at us from opposite directions. Yet there is a difference between productive and unproductive grieving.

As I write this, a very dear friend lies dying. I loved him as though he were family. Moments after my wife said "he's in hospice?" over the phone, I heard my voice yelling "No!" I write this not simply from academic training on grief and loss, but from repeated experience with the monster of death.

Difficulty:

Challenging

Instructions

1. Recognize there are no steps.

   That is the first and most important step. More crucial than a lock-step process is a level of self awareness and freedom that can allow you to grieve as you have need. In some moments a heart wrenching and angry "no" might also voice your defiance at death. At other times, sobbing into a hand is the best you can manage. you will move in and out of phases such as shock, anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The most important thing is not to stifle it or drum it up. Just let grief itself guide you.

2. 

   If your loved one is still alive, take this opportunity to say good bye and pass on words of love.

   When on a death bed we want to know that our lives have been meaningful, that we have touched someone else, and that we matter to the world. We want to know our passing does not go unnoticed. If you can't be there in person send written words. Remember that words are almost always more precious than flowers, fruit, or money.

3. Find ways to express your complex emotions.

   Journaling, conversation over coffee, counseling, music, or whatever else helps you to express your experience is important. Something happens when we vocalize and externalize grief. It moves us forward in the grieving process. You don't have to be a chatterbox, but do not keep yourself isolated from community. We grieve best with others.

4. Share the stories of joy and warmth with others.

   Gathering with family around funeral and memorial services are important parts of grieving. Share stories, laugh together, cry together, pound the table in anger, and allow each other to feel the reality of your loss.

   * Dedicated to Mac. We will miss you terribly. The world was a better place each day you were. here.

Tips & Warnings

• Consider seeing a grief counselor if your loss seems to difficult to bear, your mourning will not lessen after months of intensity, or you simply think it would help to talk about it to someone who is trained in grieving and loss.

• If you have any thoughts of harming yourself or anyone else, seek help immediately. Don't add grief to grief and loss to loss.

Resources

• The Saturday Morning Post
• Helping People Through Grief by Delores Kuenning on Amazon.com