How to Plan a Bar Mitzvah
In Judaism, a bar mitzvah technically isn't something you can plan: a boy becomes a Bar Mitzvah (or a girl becomes a Bat Mitzvah) at the age of 13, when he is considered old enough to observe the commandments. However, it has become traditional for a child turning 13 to participate in a Sabbath service by reading the Torah or Haftarah (excerpt from the Prophets), and having a celebration afterward, and this service is what is commonly meant by the term "bar mitzvah."
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Instructions
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Set a date for your child's bar mitzvah. Choose a date that is close to (but after) your child's 13th birthday. This is usually done in conjunction with the rabbi or administrator of your synagogue at least a year ahead of time, and some large synagogues may need lead-time of two or three years. Find out what will be required of your child at this meeting; some synagogues prefer children to learn how to read both Torah and Haftarah, but others may want children just to read Haftarah but to also lead parts of the regular worship service. Your child will also need to write a d'var Torah (explanation of the week's torah portion) and thank-you speech. The rabbi or religious school teacher can help you and your child understand any difficult sections of the torah portion, and give your child some direction if necessary.
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Have your child learn Haftarah or Torah trope (the cantillation signs that one uses to properly chant the Biblical readings), either in a religious school class or in private lessons with your rabbi or cantor. Begin these lessons at least six months before the bar mitzvah (if your child is a strong student and has a good background in Hebrew and prayer), or up to a year in advance (if your child struggles with Hebrew or does not have disciplined study habits). Attending Sabbath services regularly as a family during the year leading up to the bar mitzvah will also help your child become familiar with the prayers and pace of the service.
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Arrange for a "seudat mitzvah" (a festive meal) to celebrate this joyous occasion. It is traditional for the family of the bar mitzvah to sponsor the kiddush (refreshments) after the service, which can range from a simple spread of challah, wine and cake to an elaborate catered luncheon, depending on your budget and the local custom. (This is instead of or in addition to a party; it allows the whole community to share in your joy, while a party is a private celebration.) Many synagogues have a list of approved caterers to choose from. If yours does not, you may be able to make food at home, or buy ready-made platters from a grocery store. (Orthodox and Conservative synagogues require that all food brought in be kosher; some Reform synagogues may, as well.)
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Order items used during the service, such as personalized yarmulkes, programs (if you are inviting many secular Jews or non-Jews who may need help following the service) and flowers to decorate the bima (platform from which the clergy lead the service). A new twist on this custom is making up large decorative food baskets to use in place of flowers, and then donating the baskets to a food pantry as tzedakah (charity). Some synagogues also require students to do a "mitzvah project" (social action), and donating baskets can be tied into a project like arranging a food drive.
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Arrange for a party if you like. Usually the party is on Saturday night, but if sundown comes late, Sunday afternoon or evening are good options, too. Make the party a reflection of your values and lifestyle; a buffet in a small hall filled with family and friends can be as wonderful a celebration as a black-tie sit-down dinner for hundreds at the Ritz-Carlton. Some catering halls offer special bar mitzvah package deals, and can help you find a DJ that will fit your style. Your child may want a theme for his party, which can help you decide on the decorations and party favors (which are often only for the children attending). If you want a candle-lighting ceremony to honor relatives and special friends, have your child write a short speech or poem for each honoree (usually 14 in all).
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Make a list of family and friends you would like to honor during the service. Remember to include their Hebrew names, so they can be called up to the Torah properly. Go over the list with the rabbi during the week before the bar mitzvah, so the choreography of the service can flow smoothly.
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Tips & Warnings
Many synagogues require you to be a member (and for your child to attend religious school) for two years before his bar mitzvah. (This is to avoid becoming a "bar mitzvah mill," a synagogue with high turnover as families join right before and leave right after the bar mitzvah.)
