How to Avoid a Relationship with a Narcissist

I've written about how to cope once you're in a relationship with a narcissist. But one of the best ways to handle this problem is to not have it at all! Here's how to prevent yourself from becoming entangled in a relationship with a narcissist.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• The ability to educate yourself on how to recognize people who may have this problem
• Some self-awareness
• Self-worth

1. First of all, narcissists are often drawn to people who serve their own interests and get them the maximum amount of attention. So if you are an outgoing person with a complex about rescuing people, look out! You are an ideal mate for a narcissist.

2. If you simply must rescue someone or devote your time to something, pick a cause not a person! Stray animals, homeless people, charity work...there are numerous ways that you can genuinely help the world. One of them should not be devoting all of your mental and emotional energy to someone who has a need for attention that can never be filled!

3. Learn to differentiate between people who have real needs and people who are manipulating you for their own personal gain. You should never enter a romantic relationship with someone who claims to need you just to get by! You should only date or become intertwined with emotionally stable people who like you and want to be with you, not who claim they need you to survive. That leads to some very unhealthy emotional patterns.

4. If you find yourself constantly at a loss for "why" someone is doing something, or you think to yourself, "I just can't figure them out", take that as a major red flag. Narcissists have emotional lives and thought patterns like mazes. They do everything for their own gain, and they usually operate outside of a normal rational line of thinking. They can't explain themselves like a normal person communicates, because to be honest they would have to admit that they are doing everything for themselves. It would, in essence, blow their cover to be transparent to you.

5. Beware anyone who tries to make you feel guilty. This is also a red flag that you should take very seriously. Guilt is not love, but it is the main tool of a narcissist. They will use guilt to get your attention, to keep you around, to keep you away from people they don't want you near, to get you to do what they want you to do. Even on small levels like making decisions about what to do on a date. Someone who loves you would never try to manipulate you, they would just tell you the truth about what they want, consider what you want as well, and make a decision.

6. Beware people who try to tell you that their problems are lofty and great, and that they need more time to figure out their problems than other people. This is one of the main tools of a narcissist. They try to keep a mystique about themselves, as though they are deep and mysterious. They think this will keep you around or impress you into not asking them questions anymore. It's bologna and it's manipulation. Don't buy it. In a real relationship, your partner won't treat you like they are greater, more important, or more high-minded than you.

7. Just like people who dole out any other form of abuse, a narcissist isn't really looking for love. They are looking to fill a need based off of their own dysfunction. Remember this, it is the painful truth. If it wasn't you, it would be someone else. It's typical of a narcissist to move quickly from one relationship to the next. Because it's not about love or caring for someone, it's about having someone around to do their bidding.

8. Please, be careful about becoming romantically involved with a narcissist, or even living with one as a roomate. It can be a maddening and sad experience that may scar you. It's just another form of an abusive relationship.

9. If you seem to be consistently attracted to selfish, unstable people or people with narcissistic behaviors, you need to do some self-exploration. Consider therapy for yourself in order to break the cycle of unhealthy relationships. You deserve better!

Tips & Warnings

• I used to know someone who claimed, "It just takes me longer to figure things out than other people." This thinking phase lasted over a year and I never got any answers as to why there was a sudden change in our relationship. That relationship ended, and we both moved on. But what if I had waited for an answer? I'd still be waiting. A normal person may have to think for a while, but then they can come out and give you an honest answer...even to a hard question. A narcissist will try to keep themselves in the power position by withholding the truth from you.

[roony]

on 12/10/2009 This one was 50 something, with two homes and cars and fine furnishings, never married with no formal education. She would always say "I'm just not smart like other people. Like you. Can you show me how to do this?"
Then when I try to show her, she's not looking. She said "I'm just not into that, it's not my thing." I laughed at her and said "But it's your application, not mine, and I don't care about it, either." She works people to do her chores, always claiming to be dumb. How odd, to have to play dumb, to have anyone around you. I never looked back.

[cherold598]

on 3/24/2009 Excellent red-flag warnings for avoiding narcissistic relationships. Everyone should read this.