How to Schmooze at Events when You're Shy

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By toogie2
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If you want to make connections, whether it's in your profession, or hobbies or your personal life, you have to know how to schmooze.

Schmoozing is the kind of easy talking that smart sophisticated types seem to do naturally. It's like they were born knowing what to say. But if you have anxiety of public speaking, you don't find it so easy.

If you're shy, or just new, you don't know what to say, or how to say it. And the common advice to just jump in there and DO it, can lead to painful floundering.

The key to schmoozing is that you have to do it on your own terms. Prepare, and learn what to say, and you relax a little. And when you're relaxed, you will start to schmooze.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

Step 1

Start small.

Your goal is not to have a full-fledged conversation. If you want to network and build relationships, you have to build it out of small pieces. You don't want to establish yourself as a pest who wastes time on the first meeting. Just a simple "Can you tell me where the sign-in desk is?" is a fine way to get that first tiny blip on the radar. You can approach again later.
Step 2

Spend a little time observing.

It's a temptation to cover your shyness by running straight to the buffet table so you are doing something. That's a good instinct, but you miss opportunities if you rush right into it. People talk about things they have in common. Right now, the thing you have in common with this room full of strangers is... the room! And the other strangers!
Step 3

Come up with small questions.

You want to get the other person to talk, but you don't want to force them to make a major policy speech. Give them something easy to answer. "Is this where they always have this party?" Or ask about the event "Are they going to have a presentation, or is this just a mixer?"

These small questions may lead to a slightly longer conversation. "Have you ever attended one of these before?" And if they don't give you the brush off, try asking about why they are there. "I don't know what to expect here, have you found this event useful?" Of course, you will have to adjust these questions depending on the kind of event it is. If it's an office party, you won't ask if it's useful, you may ask if they're having a good time, or if they recommend the crab dip.
Step 4

Come up with small opinions.

Making small observations can be a great way to get a good schmooze going. "I love that dress she's wearing," or "Oh man, it's hot in here" or "boy this is a long line". Try not to be too controversial - odds are if you say the decor is tacky, you will find you are talking to the designer (or the designer's spouse).

If you're not sure, you can combine the opinion with the question: "Did you see that dress she's wearing?"
Step 5

Don't be afraid to keep it short.

Schmoozing is casual, and you're just learning. If you can't think of something else to say, don't say anything. It doesn't hurt to move on before they do. (Just don't be rude and cut them off mid-sentence.)
Step 6

Confessions can be ice breakers.

If you're feeling awkward, mention it and ask for advice. This can actually be a good one for breaking into a group. If you see a group casually schmoozing and joking, you can try introducing yourself and saying "This is my first time here and I have no idea who to talk to." If it results in an awkward pause, you can say "hey, there's lots of people here, I'll schmooze elsewhere."

Be careful of interrupting a group in serious conversation. (Especially if they seem to be doing business.) They aren't schmoozing, and may not appreciate the interruption. However if they don't seem to be doing private business, they may not mind if you lurk and listen.
Step 7

Negativity freezes things shut.

Don't fall into it. If you decide to confess your own awkwardness, don't say "I don't know why I come here." Don't say that the event is a waste of time. You may be thinking of your own awkwardness, but the person listening to you may take it as criticism of the event. Besides schmoozing is supposed to be pleasant. You can be awkward and shy and fumbly, but you should also be upbeat when you schmooze.

Comments

thedogshrink said

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on 6/22/2009 These are some of the best tips for shy people I've ever read! Truly helpful.

Shamrockcon said

on 3/2/2009 Wow. Everyone should read this! Great ideas. 5*

PJWilliams said

on 3/1/2009 I am outgoing, but have a hard time schmoozing at parties and chamber of commerce events. These are really great tips. Thanks. 5*s and rec.