How to Forgive Somebody Who Hurt You

Much has been said about forgiveness. Jesus advises us to turn the other cheek. Buddha instructs us to fill our minds and hearts with compassion. Gandhi said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." And Oscar Wilde said, "Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much." And of course there's that oft-repeated truism that reminds us that forgiveness is not a gift we give to the person who wronged us, but it is a gift we give to ourselves. Forgiveness has little to do with forgetting and much to do with a conscious choice to move beyond pain so that you can become a more joyful human being. May these tips inspire you to do just that.

Instructions

1. Get perspective. When you've been hurt, it can be hard to sort through the haze of heartache and think clearly about the situation. Are you overreacting? Is the relationship with the person who hurt you worth salvaging? Did you contribute to causing the hurtful situation? Talking about your situation with a sound-minded friend or counselor can help you figure out how to best move forward.

2. Speak forgiveness. Don't let talking about your hurt become badmouthing the person who hurt you. There is a difference. And if your situation is public in any way--either through work, a social circle or living proximity--do not get caught up in gossip. If people ask about the situation, say simply, "I am hurt, but I forgive and am moving on."

3. Write about it. Whether you scribble furiously about your hurt in a journal or craft a letter to the person who hurt you (I'll let you decide for yourself if you should send that letter or not), writing helps free thoughts from running you in ragged circles in your mind.

4. When angry or hurt feelings arise, repeat to yourself, "I forgive. I forgive. I forgive." As you say this, let go both physically and emotionally. Relax your body. Relax the clench on your pain. "I forgive. I forgive." Let go. Do this over and over and over--every time sharp thoughts arise--until thoughts of the situation no longer arise with a sting.

5. Ride the wave. You will not move from point A (hurt) to point B (forgiveness) in a straight line. Forgiveness is a process (one might even argue that it's a process that lasts a lifetime). You progress; you regress. Pain will ebb and flow as you move through the forgiveness process. This is natural. Don't expect to feel better immediately upon uttering the words, "I forgive you."

6. Be constructive, not destructive. Mean-spirited thoughts of revenge are natural, but do not act on them. In the end it will only leave you worse off. Take your lessons, take your bubbling, mad energy and poor it into something--a creative project, a workout--something that will move you forward.

Tips & Warnings

• You can forgive a person and still not like that person. Forgiveness does not have to equal friendship.

• Forgiveness does not mean you are condoning evil actions. Forgiveness is not necessarily a pardon.

• Forgiving somebody who has been cruel to you does not mean you are being a doormat. Remember, the point of forgiveness is to free your heart, not to help a jerk feel better. In fact, you don't even need to tell the person that you have forgiven him or her. It's perfectly fine to keep your forgiveness to yourself.

• If you forgive with the expectation that somebody will change his or her ways, then you are not really forgiving. True forgiveness comes without attached strings.