How to Plan a Wedding While Your Parents are Divorcing

Whether it happened ages ago, just finalized, or the papers just served, there is never a "good time" for divorce. When two people break their old vows to love each other "forever" and decide on "never", does that devalue the intent behind the vows you are about to make? Here's how to say "I do" when your parents say "I don't".

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

1. START SAVING. If your parents bothered to save money for your wedding day, chances are it's gone now. With lawyers, court fees, and divided costs and debt, you can kiss your wedding fund goodbye. To make matters more complicated, each parent may be on different financial ground now. If you're lucky, they both may be willing/able to contribute. If not, you and your fiance will have to start saving to foot the bill yourselves. This brings us to step two.

2. BE STRONG. Do not let one or both of your parents use you to "get back" at the other. For example, parent A may say they'd be happy to give you some money, but first, the three of you have to sit down and talk about things. Of course, parent A says this knowing parent B wants nothing to do with them and will refuse such a meeting. So, parent A is offering an empty gift. They want to appear as if they tried to help, but in effect they are using you and your wedding to make parent B look bad. This is why you must be strong. If either parent wishes to make a contribution to your wedding budget, they should do so with no strings attached, so that you know the gift is truly given out of love, and not spite. This brings us to step three.

3. NO STRINGS ATTACHED. Any monies given should be free to use however you want to, not for a set expense (i.e. more guests for one side of the family, or extra pictures for that parent). You should have the wedding you've dreamed of. This is why it may be easier to save for it yourselves.

4. Remember this is YOUR wedding- yours and your fiance's. You only get married once (a-hem) so do it right! If you dreamed of real flowers, get the real flowers, not the fake ones because parent A guilted you into it. If you pictured your father walking you down the aisle, by all means, ask him to do so! Do not let either parent make you feel guilty for including one but not the other. Some brides have both parents walk her down the aisle, regardless of their marriage status. This is up to you, this is your day, and both parents should be understanding of that.

5. DEMAND RESPECT. Two people should be able to sit together in one pew for the length of a wedding. Strangers do it every day, in subways, on busses, on airplanes, and don't even talk to each other. Demand that your parents respect each other for the duration of the day, and that they show respect to you by following your wishes. If the thought of your divorced parents sitting together in the pew brings you to tears, you may want to consider having them sit on either side, or in different pews, with extended family in between as a "buffer". Again, your day, you decide what you're comfortable with.

6. SMILE PRETTY. Inform the photographer of your famiy situation (they will appreciate it) and tell them what you expect for family pictures. If you want one of you with both parents, take several. It might take several shots to find one good one with everyone smiling. Remember that things may be difficult now, but someday when you look back you may want that shot of all of you together, and the discomfort you all feel for a minute or two will be worth it.

7. ENLIST SOME HELP. This may be a professional coordinator, or a relative on your fiance's side. You'll want someone who loves you and your fiance so much they want your day to be perfect. You also want them to be aggressive when necessary, and strong. Their job will be to boss everyone else around so you don't have to. If you want privacy from both parents, their job is to see to it that no one but the bridal party enters the waiting area. If you are concerned about either parents' behavior, the coordinator will see to it that both behave like adults or escort them out.

8. If all else fails, ELOPE. If you are feeling pressure from both sides, you may feel tempted to elope. Go for it! You can always have a reception with your closest friends and family later. Just beware of how your fiance's family may feel. They may not understand the circumstances and feel left out of your big moment. If you do elope, make sure you get it on video so you at least have that to share with them at the reception.

9. Remember that this day is between you and your fiance. It is about your love for each other, not your parents' broken vows. The words you say to your fiance are of no less value just because your parents did not honor theirs. You are starting a new kind of life with the person you hold most dear, and what happens next is up to the two of you.

[kittykat3]

on 3/17/2009 These are good tips. 5*****