How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

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By giantman
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If anyone feels the urge to start completely losing friends or even just alienate a single person, this article is for you. Also, if you don't want to lose friends or alienate people, try not doing these things.

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

props for any excruciatingly annoying pranks to be pulled

Step 1

First start with developing your own God complex. I don't mean this in the good way, like loving yourself. I mean going up to people and telling them of your incredible achievements, while passing off theirs as petty tasks for the mere mortals they are. A good idea is to buy a mirror and look at yourself in it in public, admiring your shining beauty. Then look at everyone else and cringe at how filthy they appear compared to your grace. Just remember to be stuck up and insult people a lot without even trying.
Step 2

Second, if you really want to lose your friends for good, commit one of those unforgivable acts against them, such as getting in a collaborative project with them then partying all week long, just to drag them down with you. Do stuff that makes you look lazy, snobbish, apathetic, or just plain annoying; those are the traits that really make one alienate others.
Step 3

Try pulling pranks in places where they are completely inappropriate. Make large apparatuses in the middle of very crowded hallways and snap at people who even nudge your creation. Set up large, intricate things with water that are sure to tip over and soak someone; just make sure to put your name on it. Another prank might be just calling your soon-to-be-lost friends and asking them for advice on every single decision in your life. This will also help you realize how decisive you were before this time; you will see every little decision we make: which cereal? which spoon? which fat content percentage of milk? put my right or left shoe on first? These pranks can be pretty funny, so don't let people start liking you by actually making your pranks lighthearted.
Step 4

Finally, once all friends are sufficiently angry or annoyed at you, cut all your cords and stop talking to them. From here you are at your own control. Go on living with no friends if you want. You also might want to move away and change your name if you have done steps 1-3 with real aptitude.